If I’ve said it once this summer, I’ve already said it a thousand times – “Is this really significant or are you just irritated?”
The “this” I’m referring to is the inevitable cycle of tattling on one another that my children have yet to outgrow. We are still in the seemingly endless season of both of my kiddos running to tell on the other one even in situations when they are both equally at fault. I’ve come to believe children do this because we were designed to crave justice. When we feel wronged, we want the world to know what was done to us, we want affirmation that it was not right, and deep down we want the offender to be held accountable.
And, man do siblings want each other to be held accountable.
As typical and frustrating as cycles of tattling can be in children, we adults can find ourselves reacting in the same way when we are in relationships and things go south. The instinct to out the offender, have our hurt feelings or frustrations affirmed by others, and gain retribution from the offender play out in adult life every day.
I don’t know about you, but when I get to that point of wanting what I think is justice, I am rarely ever not angry about the wrong I want rectified. When I reach the level of seeking retribution, seething might be the more appropriate word for what I’m feeling.
Now, desiring justice isn’t wrong. We were made in the image of God who is the ultimate Judge and Lover of justice. But, although we are made in His image, we are not Him. And if I let myself sit and seethe, I can fall into a pattern of reacting to unfair situations with anger as I plan out my own human version of justice – which, by the way, rarely aligns with what God would have in mind I’m fairly certain. That’s when things can go off the rails. While anger is a legitimate, God-given emotion, reacting in anger – even when my motivation is justice – isn’t always my best next step.
It’s hard though when things just won’t let up and when we have every right to be really frustrated. If we live long enough, we will all experience what it is like to be the target of someone else’s hurt and anger. Living through seasons of ongoing attack and non-stop critique is exhausting. Trying to keep our eyes on God despite others attacking can feel hopeless. Feeling anger and frustration when you are wrongly attacked or accused is a natural reaction. Figuring out what to do with those feelings is the hard part.
When I’m feeling under attack, misunderstood, or misrepresented, my natural reaction is to defend myself and to seek justice. To correct the unfair and inaccurate. But, jumping to defend myself in the moment of anger or to see retribution by the person attacking me usually sets me up for sin and rarely achieves anything positive in the relationship I’m struggling with. And while defending myself, especially when the attack has made me angry, may feel good in the moment, it does not resolve things. Ever.
I think this is when we have to have the self discipline to know when to speak up. I’ve learned that sometimes standing up for yourself is not the same as speaking up for yourself. And doing either when I’m angry is a next step I’m learning to avoid. When that seething anger is rising, we’ve got to recognize it and realize this is the time to check our next steps. Jon Bloom at Desiring God points out that, “God designed your emotions to be gauges, not guides.”
So, what is the gauge of anger telling me? Usually it is that someone has hit a nerve. If I use that as a gauge and not my guide for next steps, I’m well-served by taking a moment – or a few days or weeks – to figure out why that surge of anger welled up in me. Was I just tired, irritable, and grumpy? Or, did this person really overstep, take advantage of me, or attempt to manipulate a situation to their favor?
Once we’ve got a read on what triggered that anger we get an idea of what our God-honoring next steps should be. And steps that reflect a righteous God are always in the right direction. James reminded us that human anger, if we don’t manage it, will not reflect righteousness.
“Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
James 1:20
Acting in anger – either to defend myself or seek justice – isn’t God’s best next step for me. Being not only slow to anger but also slow to respond is hard and takes strength that only comes from Him.
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty. And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.”
Proverbs 16:32
How do we rule our spirit? Here are a few thoughts.
Consistent time with God. If I only reach out to the Lord when I’m angry or need something, my order of habit is already off. I find that when I’m in a consistent pattern in my prayer and devotion life, I am already in a better space to absorb the frustrations of difficult relationships.
Ask yourself if you really have to respond at that moment. Unless it is truly a time sensitive issue or an emergency, when things aren’t going well in a relationship, you usually can find a way to delay your response. Creating the new habit of waiting instead of pouncing to respond is a self-discipline we can train ourselves to and it gives us built in time to reset our emotions and check our motivations before we respond.
Be transparent about needing a pause. If you’re in a conversation – in-person, over the phone, or via text or email – if things are not going well or if you are caught off-guard by something that makes you angry, tell the other party you’d like some time to consider your response so that you can honor the relationship and honor God. This may seem odd, but if the other person really wants to be in relationship with you, they will be fine with that request – at least at some point they will! There is something freeing when someone is candid about feeling that they may not trust their emotions in the moment and that they’d like to revisit the topic at another time. As an aside, if the other person does not respect your request for time to think things through before you respond, you’ve got a lot you’ve just learned in that about that particular relationship.
The relationship reflex of boiling up anger and the desire for justice can feel hard-wired in our hearts. Anger and the desire for justice are not in and of themselves sinful. But, if we aren’t careful, we can react from both places in a knee jerk manner that does nothing to serve our relationships with others.
