Part five in my thoughts on managing difficult relationships.
Walls exist for a reason. And when I think about walls, I’m not visualizing an attractive fence where you an still see through to the other side a bit. I’m talking a big, thick wall that is high and completely blocks out the world beyond. This sort of wall is usually built for one of two reasons – safety and protection from what could potentially creep in and harm us; or to block to ugliness of what lies beyond the area the wall is preserving.
But, here’s the crazy thing about walls. History is filled with stories of walls being built with the belief they were impenetrable only to find a few days, weeks, or centuries later that it was all an illusion of security. One of the best examples is the Great Wall of China. It took centuries to build, historians estimate approximately 400,000 people died building the wall, and yet there seems to be agreement that it didn’t do much to keep enemies out and was more of a visual display of Chinese might and engineering.
When I was starting my first “real” job right out of college and moving into my first “real” apartment without roommates, I was hyper-focused on renting in a complex with a security gate. You know the kind? With a callbox for guests and a special bar code for my car that would cue the gate to let me in. And while I did rent an apartment in a complex with that sort of gate, I’ve never forgotten a comment my dad made about that layer of “security.” He reminded me that security gates like those are often an illusion of safety because those types of gates keep out the people who aren’t really motivated to get in. Those that want to get to what lay beyond would find a way that never involved waiting to be buzzed in at the gate.
So, it would seem that walls are, in many cases, illusions of security. And, I think that extends to the “walls” we often build between ourselves and other people. When relationships are hard and we’ve been wounded, it is human nature to erect little (and sometimes big) walls around our hearts to prevent further damage. Sometimes those walls look like withdrawing from the relationship. Other times it is shutting down communication, hiding details, or masking intentions. The wall is up, not a whole lot is getting through (for now), and we have the, often naive, belief that we are “safe” from those that have hurt us in the past.
But like the physical structures that rarely work 100% of the time, the walls we build in our hearts area also equally ineffective. They may work to keep a relationship from getting to us in the short term, but we run the risk of letting things inside the heart we are protecting start to whither and die. And, if the relationship is one that we must maintain for various reasons, it will never improve if we let the walls stay in place.
So, how do we protect ourselves – which is often quite necessary and justified in the hard relationships of life – but remain focused on honoring God and maintaining some level of productivity when those relationships must exist on some level? I think it requires us to be counterintuitively committed to transparency.
Build windows instead of walls. I don’t know about you, but when I’m the situation of a difficult relationship, my posture changes. For me, it is almost like I go into “cover your paper” mode from school. Where you shielded your work from others (this was back in the day when we didn’t use those divider things that schools use now during testing and school work). When I was a kid, if I was taking a test or working on a special assignment I didn’t want my seat mates to see, I’d shield the page with my entire body curving my back over the desk and using my arms to keep prying eyes off my page.
And it can be that way when I’m navigating a tricky relationship. I am hesitant to share my input on decisions that must be made, I jockey for the right timing to share information to eliminate the chances of back and forth dialogue that may have had a history of being destructive, and I do not tend to share my true intentions behind the decisions I make. Opening myself up to that other person is not intuitive and it can feel like the barricade up is the best way to move through whatever decision, project, or assignment we must complete together.
But, the danger in that approach of hiding behind the walls we construct inside ourselves is that it keeps me from seeing the human being on the other side of the wall. It gives me the cover to potentially fall prey to self-centered motivations that impact my decisions. And, it continues to tear at any trust that might remain in the relationship digging deeper and deeper into distrust that leads to even further damage to the relationship.
“Being transparent actually creates trust. Sharing my weaknesses makes me less threatening. Being vulnerable encourages vulnerability in others,” writes Shirley Jackson in a recent Proverbs 31 ministry daily email.
“Being transparent actually creates trust. Sharing my weaknesses makes me less threatening. Being vulnerable encourages vulnerability in others,”
Shirley Jackson
Transparency with anyone – whether the relationship is a good one or not – helps us to check our motives. We must be confident that our intentions are pure if we are to be entirely transparent. This level of transparency requires us to “see” the full situation and transitioning from walls to windows allows us to see through to the other side.
Letting ourselves be seen by anyone, but especially those that have hurt us in the past, is usually the last thing any of us want to do. But, if we stay focused on checking our own motivations and attempting to reconcile relationships to honor God and be productive, a dose of transparency can be a good step forward even in the toughest of relationships. Over time in some of those relationships, we may be able to “open” the window or even eventually remove the walls and windows altogether and enjoy a barrier-free relationship.
