I’m almost four years removed from “the day”….that day when everything changed, when trust was broken for good, when I picked my kids up from school and we never went back to a dual-parent household. That day seems like the demarcation point for our family’s timeline: before divorce or after divorce. The day that the life we now live began.
I’d love to look back over those four years and feel that we had a magical slate cleaning and that everything is new and better. Naively, I think that is sort of what I expected during those darkest hours. I thought ahead in chunks of years and imagined that in a few years, the messiness would be gone and life would be back to “normal”…whatever that was anymore.
But now I know that the magic didn’t happen. Life happened. Single-mom life happened – and continues to happen. There is no magic slate where suddenly this gets “better” or “easier” or “fixed.” This is the life we are in and the life we will be in.
For many reasons unique to our own family situation, we’ve been stuck in what I’ve come to call the “spin cycle.” But, unlike the washer in my laundry room that kicks out of the spin cycle in order to finish the load, we’ve not fully kicked out of the spin cycle. In our spin cycle, there is an anchor continually tethering us to the old wounds and hurts from the experiences of the past. There is fragility in hearts that are still tender to those wounds that never quite get the chance to fully heal. Just when I dare catch a glimpse of hope that things are moving forward and we may be finally leaving the spin cycle, another shoe drops and we’re back to the beginning of the spin. This life in the spin cycle has created almost an unconscious temporariness in my own mindset. It is hard to feel settled when you’re spinning, so in the back of my mind everything feels short term and like we are biding our time until our “real new life” starts.
But it has been four years. Four years of spinning. Four years of feeling temporary. I think that’s my sign that this spin cycle may just be life and that even as I so badly want it to be temporary, it isn’t. This is our life we’ve been given. And my job as the single head of this tribe is to figure out how to not just make it day to day but to thrive.
So, how then are we to live? I’ve just started reading Angela Thomas’ “My Single Mom Life” and out of the gate she talks about the emptiness that can characterize the single mom soul. Empty from literally pouring all what little you have all day to everyone and then ending your day with absolutely nothing left to give. Day after day. Doing the job that was intended for two people.
That question of how to live and how to move from emptiness to fullness has kept me awake. The past four years have been a treadmill and I’m the person running on it despite being in no condition to run. I’m tired. I’m drained in every way one can imagine. We are moving from school day to school day, book report to book report, piano lesson and karate class to baseball games and basketball practice. We’re busy, active, and our days are full. But at the end of the day, I’m empty. And I can’t intentionally lead this tribe if I’m empty. Otherwise, we’ll be nothing but a calendar full of activities and appointments for people with empty souls. And that’s not how I want my children described..or myself. Just like I feel tethered to this spin cycle, my littles are tethered to me. If I’m empty, they are empty.
So what changes? It has to start with me as I set the tone for these sweet souls who are, terrifyingly, learning from me in the moments I don’t realize I’m teaching. The word that keeps bubbling up in my mind is intentionality. Doing things with purpose is hard when you’re doing the job of two, but I’m learning that if I’m not careful, we will “accidentally” get to the end of another school year and I’ll be uncertain as to what my children learned from me about life. So, here’s my shortlist of where I’ll be working on intentionality in the days ahead:
Time with God – I love to think about God, talk about God, talk TO God, and share about God. But, I’m not so sure I always sit and listen and take in all that God has to say to me. My aim here is to be more intentional about reading and listening. Where I put myself in the position to receive what He has for me. Even if it is just a verse or a small whisper of encouragement, prompting, or wisdom – I want to be more intentional to be ready to receive it.
Grace-filled accountability – If I’ve learned one thing in the past four years, it is that grace is necessary because we live in a fallen world. There is no black and white here. There is a lot of gray. And grace works with gray to make it clean and clear. But, how do I cultivate a household of grace but also hold us all to a Christ-like standard. That’s my question for now and one I’m praying to answer. I want my children to know and experience grace, but I also want them to aim for those standards that will serve them well in life and, more importantly, in relationship with God and others. This is a balancing act, I’m finding. But, we’ll keep working on this one because all three of us need it.
Order – This new year, we’ve been working on order. Orderliness to be exact. And a month or so in, I’m finding that orderliness requires intentional effort. Go figure. Orderliness, it strikes me, also creates the mental and visual space to rest. It takes effort but the reward is a more restful, peaceful existence. So, we’re working on being more intentional about folding in “steps towards order” into our days.
Sleep – As a mom, I have always been sort of a sleep fanatic with my children. Bedtime is rarely adjusted and rest time on the weekends continues despite the fact that no one is actually napping (except me, on occasion). For myself in recent years, I have found that my own sleep must be a priority if I am to survive single parenting. So, I go to bed not long after my children. Intentionality about my own bedtime and quality of sleep trumps the unfolded laundry, dusting, and other tasks that could keep me up for another hour or two. But, sleep must win if I’m going to have anything left to give my people.
Discussions – If you know any of our tribe, you know we have a whole lot to say. Like a lot, a lot, a lot. I am perpetually telling my people to LISTEN to each other and STOP interrupting. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it five gazillion times: “I know mommy has two ears, but that does NOT mean I can hear two people at one time!!” So, we are working on intentional time for conversation when each can be heard. This new year, we’ve started using Table Topics: Family Edition at dinner. Each of us has a question that everyone has to answer. They are random, I never know what they will say, and – They. Love. It. And I love it. I hear their hearts. I hear how funny they are. And they get to learn about me. And, yes, we should be doing this without a card prompting us, but…see above to grace-filled accountability. Making it like a “game” helps this happen and it happens because the people buy into it.
So, back to the question of how are we to live where we find ourselves? I think we are to live by trying. By aiming for that which is good. By doing our best – my best – even when it still isn’t up to the standard I’d prefer for myself. And by acknowledging that this is our life that God has given and that He calls me not to live waiting on it to be fixed, but rather to live in this. And to live in it well.
