I was born with the curse of a lightening sharp tongue and a love for talking. That can be a dangerous combination and just about sent me straight to law school. Factor in a deep desire to see justice prevail in all situations great and small, and it is easy to see why letting things roll off my back isn’t exactly how I roll.
While at times I have been encouraged and even cheered for being the person to speak truth in hard situations, that approach to people and conflict is exhausting to maintain. Being unable to pass on an infraction, offense, or oversight anchors us to turmoil. And it is absolutely draining.
With so much seeming to spiral out of control in recent years and the strain that has placed on many in our lives, the opportunities for conflict have escalated everywhere we look. People – and sometimes that includes us – are on edge, emotionally raw.
Some are looking for an argument. Others are drawn to conflict by nature and relish being the thorn in others’ sides. Still others make choices that are self-absorbed with little consideration of how choices impact others. Regardless of the context, being continually surrounded by conflict is exhausting.
Advocating for what is right is good. Speaking up in situations that are unfair is one way we follow Christ. But, gosh there is a fine line between knowing when and how to speak and going down a verbal rabbit hole that has little hope of ending well. The hard reality is that if we fall on the wrong side of that fine line, we can act in a way that is the opposite of modeling Christ.
So how do we know when to speak and when to walk away and not take the bait offered in conflict? I think it may come down to our motivations. This is the first in a series of posts about a few things I’ve learned in recent years about navigating conflict while staying true to a God who both commands me to sometimes speak up and other times to be quiet.
Don’t take the bait
“Be angry, yet do not sin; on your bed, search your heart and be still.”
Psalm 4:4
The older I get the more I appreciate how the Bible catalogs the full range of the human experience. In Psalm 4, David acknowledges something I think we can shortsightedly dismiss.
Feelings of anger are normal. And the feeling of anger is not a sin. What we choose to do with that feeling is where we can go off the rails. Taking time to pause and examine our motivations is the key to managing anger in a God-honoring way.
When emotions are high and tension is thick, moving quickly from emotion to response is a real risk. And I don’t know about you, but that is often my default mode. We’re stretched, exhausted, potentially feeling misunderstood. That’s a prime recipe for a quick transition to react in our anger.
But what if we commit to cultivating a new habit?
When someone is pushing our buttons, or when we feel side effects of the hard edges of life, what if we take a step back and a queue from Psalm 4?
I think if we translated David into 2022 speak, verse 4 may read something like, “…when they make you mad, call for a timeout and check yourself…”
As our pulse quickens and maybe our palms start to sweat as the anger starts to seethe, we can choose our next step. Here are a few thoughts on immediate next steps that do not involve acting out of anger:
Ask for a pause
Here’s our chance to “…be still…”
When things get tense – with a coworker, a spouse/co-parent, or even a teenager (gasp), call for a time out.
- “I’m starting to feel frustrated, and I don’t like to make decisions while I’m not entirely focused on what we are trying to accomplish here. Can we regroup later this afternoon/tomorrow/next week?”
- “I need to take a break and get my thoughts together. Can I come find you in a bit?”
- “I’d like to be intentional with you and how I respond, and right now I can’t do that. Can we talk later after I’ve had some coffee?” **Used on a teenager….freaked them out, but it created an entirely new appreciation for what a different parent I am once I’ve had (multiple servings of) caffeine.
Word it in a way that is tailored to you, keep it short, as emotionless as you can, and be honest. You need a minute to gather your thoughts and refocus on what you’re trying to accomplish, and there is zero wrong with saying that.
Change your location
I don’t know about you, but I cannot “…search my heart…” without a scene change. Even if that is stepping out into the hall or walking to the end of the driveway.
When we’ve asked for the pause, there is also a great benefit to creating some space. At least that’s how it works for my mouth. Physical space ensures I don’t keep talking. Changing my location also resets my brain on some level. Stepping away, bonus points for me if that means going outside, gives me time to breathe, pray, and think about something else.
Sleep on it…if you can
I don’t think the “…on your bed…” is by accident. Good gracious what a different viewpoint I often have after I’ve had the chance to sleep on something that made me angry.
Asking for a pause and letting that pause sometimes be overnight – maybe even multiple nights – is not only wise but seems to be what David is acknowledging. When we sleep on it, we give ourselves more time to pray, time to sort out whatever set off anger, and we are gifting the other person some time as well.
Now, for this to be effective, we have to resist the temptation to stew in our anger. Replaying the scene, getting ourselves all worked up over whatever actual or perceived wrong took place – that’s not what we’re talking about here. David urges us to use that time to search our hearts and I think that means to check our motivations. He calls us to be still perhaps in sleep and/or prayer.
Revisiting conflict with a rested mind that has prayerfully considered the situation can do wonders in helping us not take the bait to ongoing, unproductive conflict. And it is a way we can honor God in the inevitable conflict we face in life.
