When Hard Conversations Come Home

Years ago, my then five-year old came home with a new word he’d learned at pre-K and I cringed. I died inside feeling like my little boy was learning vocabulary that was introducing him to a harsher world more quickly than I wanted.

It wasn’t a crude word or potty talk that sent a chill up my spine during the ride home that afternoon. Nope. It was the word “divorce.” I cringed as he told me about a new friend and how his mom and dad weren’t married any more. I was sad for the family, sure. But, if I’m honest, I recoiled mostly because I didn’t want my sweet boy – my first baby – to know that parents don’t always stay married.

Less than a year later, I sat that same sweet boy down – in kindergarten and barely six years old – to tell him and his darling little sister that their dad and I were not going to be married any more. In less than 12 months, the meaning of that word – and the conversations it necessitates – became all too real for my children.

That little boy is now turning into a young man, so we’ve had our series of hard conversations in recent years – including early portions of “THE talk.” As hard as some of those discussions have been, I have been blessed to have people in my life who shared wisdom and guidance. They taught me a few strategies we can take to help make the hard conversations with children go a little easier. You can read more about the people who could be on your team in “Building Your Support Team.”

Here are some of the pieces of advice I was given that helped us get through tough discussions when our family navigated the reality of divorce.

Choose your vocabulary carefully

When I told my children about the divorce, they were barely six and almost four. I was reminded by a great friend that I needed to be mindful of the words I used. She reminded me not to be squeamish about vocabulary surrounding hard realities, but rather to make sure that I used words my children easily understood.

In the case of our initial divorce discussion, I at least knew when the conversation was going to happen. I took advantage of that and scripted out what I wanted to say. The advice I received was to use short sentences and to be direct.

A straightforward approach with direct, clear words felt brutal and like ripping off a band-aid, but in the end they understood precisely what I was saying because I targeted my words to their age-level.

When possible, practice in advance

Again, I had the luxury of knowing this hard conversation was coming. With that knowledge, I was afforded the opportunity to practice what I needed to say. Which was a good thing. I was still reeling at what was happening to our family and mourning it myself. I needed to rehearse repeatedly – over the phone to my mom – in order to be able to get through it without absolutely bawling. At their ages, a super-emotional delivery, I knew, could potentially be even more upsetting to my children than the actual news itself.

We don’t always know exactly when hard conversations are coming with children. But, we can anticipate some of the topics that inevitably come up in different seasons. And if we can anticipate, we can practice in advance.

Be intentional with your posture

My kids were young, so I knew that sitting them down to be still at the table for a serious conversation would feel rigid and foreign since this wasn’t going to be at dinnertime – the only real time that kids that age in our house sat (relatively) still at the table.

Instead, I opted for the living room floor. We had just finished dinner and they were eagerly anticipating me turning on the Winter Olympics which happened to be in full swing at the time.

I sat close to them and we were all facing each other. My lap was available – and one of them took advantage of that once the words of my news were spoken. My hands were free and at different times each of them took turns holding them. Close proximity, an open lap, and available hands proved to be the right posture to have a hard discussion with my two.

The age of the child and the nature of the conversation drives this. If children are older, it might be better to discuss hard things on a walk or while driving for a while in the car. For other conversations, face to face on the couch or bed may work well since they can hold a pillow in their lap and feel at ease in their own spaces

Focus on what is comfortable for your children – and where you’re going to be able to best manage what you have to say. Think about what posture and position is going to make them most able to receive the conversation you need to have.

This isn’t the only time you’ll discuss this

Most hard discussions are on topics that aren’t a one time conversation. I was reminded of this when I first told my children about the changes coming to our family and it has proven true as they have grown. Keeping this in mind also helped me not feel like I had to cram a bunch of information into the first discussion.

It also gave me the reminder that from time to time the topic may come up again – and it has. So, I’ve cycled through this list of advice and have tried to anticipate their questions and practice my answers to that I can be as ready as possible when the topic comes up again in the future.

Set boundaries for yourself in advance

If your children are like mine, they are blessed with an endless supply of questions and that was one of my biggest fears heading into our first discussions about divorce. I had no idea if they would ask any questions.

I had the good fortune of working with a Christian counselor at the time and she walked me through the types of questions they might ask. She also encouraged me to think of what would be my “hard stop” in the discussion. What information would I not share with the children? Keeping in mind that they are, after all, children is helpful in determining what information may not be appropriate for them.

In some instances, there may be details or explanations you plan to provide when they are older or when the situation is further along and you have more answers. Other information, especially when it comes to the end of a child’s parents’ marriage, may never be shared.

In our case, the early conversation was brief. They were young and there was a good deal of uncertainty ahead for us. There was a lot I did not share or speculate on beyond telling them we would not be married any more and in no way was that their fault.

As they have gotten older, I’ve always opted on less being best and have not shared more than I felt was absolutely necessary and directly related to them individually. There are multiple areas where they know I will not entertain conversation and my standard response (coached by my counselor years ago) is, “there are details of our situation that are only for your dad and I to know . I understand your curiosity, but I hope you can understand that I am not going to share some information.”

To date, this has worked and they have not pushed the line. I expect older children will push boundaries a bit and that I may have to assess where I draw the line. But, I am confident I will always draw a line and am as mentally prepared as I can be to not go further with the discussion than I feel is best for them.

You can ask for a pause

As my children get older, they have interesting timing on when they want to talk about various subjects. And, that usually means that while I may anticipate that the topic may come up at some point, I do not anticipate the timing.

When one of my children brings up a question or a topic for which I need some time to get my thoughts settled, I have found some freedom in asking if we can revisit the topic at a different time. For example, I might say, “I would be happy to talk about this, but can I take some time to get my thoughts clear after a long day so that I can be fully focused on what you want to ask?”

Acknowledging that what they want to discuss is important and I am open to talking to them is a good step to validating their need to talk about hard things in life. Committing to having the talk is also important so they don’t think you are dodging them. When you ask for more time, be sure to follow through on circling back around to initiate the discussion.

Ultimately, hard conversations are just that. They are hard. Some are embarrassing (ahem, THE talk). Some are uncomfortably laced with accountability when discipline issues arise. And others are absolutely heartbreaking.

Nonetheless, hard, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and heartbreaking is part of life. And I’m learning it is best not to avoid – as tempting as it may be – these talks with my children. After all, this is the season when God has gifted me with the job of teaching them how to navigate the hard, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and heartbreaking in a healthy and God-honoring way.