I’ve got a middle schooler. Dang it that is hard to type since I still feel like he just started kindergarten yesterday. But, nope. He’s finishing up his first year in middle school.
And with a middle schooler in the house, you can bet that from time to time, I get a reminder of what the angst of middle school was like. Social structures are shifting, some friendships are flourishing while others hit more rough patches than in the past. The level of emotion – holy moly don’t even get me started. It all swings like a pendulum where one day feelings are raw and hurt and the next the friend group appears to be back in tact. I swear I need a flow chart to keep up.
I have to confess I’ve dreaded this age, more for my younger daughter than for her older brother (the actual middle schooler in the family right now). For some reason I thought it was just girls who experienced this, but now I know the uncertainty of social circles and allegiances is just as tenuous for boys as it is for girls. And watching it through a mom’s eyes is hard. Hard because that heart walking around outside of my body is living it and hard because it reminds me of the isolation that can come with the shifting social scene at this age.
And, hard because he’s not the only one in the house in a season of feeling isolated more frequently than I’d like. Insert hand raising emoji here. It turns out that escaping middle school doesn’t earn you a “never feel shoved to the periphery again card.” As a single mom in a community (work, school, and church) of mostly married households blessed to be in leadership in my job, I’ve experienced the isolation that can come with the reality of this season of life.
Single parenting is hard, lonely, and a daily reminder why the Lord really did intend this to be a scenario were two adults were present in the same house. In His wisdom, God knew that no one can be the good, normal, calm, rationale parent all the time and that at some point you need to tap out before you lose your mind. Married parents have their own challenges, yes. But, raising kids as the only adult in the house is a different kind of difficult when you’ve got to stand your ground, defend your position under cross-examination from an child testing his newfound ability to challenge authority, or keep all the balls in the air with no one there to step in or catch the ball you took your eye off of for a minute.
But, this is our reality and there are a few things I’ve learned to remind myself of when I’m feeling isolated. And, interestingly, they are a lot like what I tell my middle schooler when he’s feeling the same.
#1 – You’re not the only one feeling this way.
When we are knee-deep in the day to day, it is easy to fool ourselves into thinking we are the only one experiencing the challenges facing us. Convincing us of our supposed isolation is a common trick of the enemy throughout the Bible. But, if we snap out of it for a minute, we’ll usually find, we are not in fact alone at all.
One of the blessings God has given me in recent years is a group of friends who have lived a wide-range of family experiences not easily portrayed on Christmas cards. He has gifted me with sweet friends walking the same single mama life who understand first hand what those hard days and nights are like when you’re tired and just want someone else to make all the decisions. Into my life, the Lord has also brought friends in other seasons – singleness, remarriage, aging parents – who are a blessing in the reminder that we are all in a season and that each of those seasons bring times of loneliness and challenge.
Acknowledging that when things are getting hard helps the loneliness soften a bit. Remembering that everyone in every situation has times when they feel alone helps me remember why I’m called to lean on God first and people second. Thankfully, my 42-year old self can see that and believe it more easily than my sweet 11-year old when I remind him of the same thing. And, I know that with time and experience, he, too, will realize this truth.
#2 – Be mindful of where to turn to fill that loneliness.
One of the spiritual dangers of isolation – whether real or perceived – is that we turn in various directions to fill the void. The instinct to fill is not the issue; where we turn can be.
I believe we were made to be in relationship with God first and people second. But that loneliness can fool us into thinking we are truly alone. To combat this, we can cultivate a habit of turning first to the Lord – for truth (check our situation to see if we really are as isolated as we feel), comfort (reminders we are not alone if we are legitimately feeling that way), companionship (the Lord tells us repeatedly He will never forsake us), and guidance for next steps. Those next steps may very well be a nudge to reach out to a friend or acquaintance. Or, it could be a conviction to reassess our friend group and make some hard changes with where we spend our time.
#3 – This is a season, not forever.
I was recently reminded that life is a series of seasons we walk through – and some are better than others. But, no season is permanent and, for better or worse, “this too shall pass.”
We can be fooled into thinking that what we are experiencing now is what we will live for the rest of our lives. But, four-decades into life, I now have the context to share with my child at the start of his second decade how quickly life changes. We all rotate through stages and seasons that look as different from one another as fall does from spring. When things are challenging and lonely, I’ve found this reminder to be helpful – this is only a season and it will change slowly, then quickly right before my eyes. In the meantime, I place my trust in the One who has authored my seasons and knows where and when they will shift.
