Anyone who has parented a human child for more than about a week knows that a key to not losing your mind is setting ground rules. Situationally and age-dependent, these parameters do everything from keeping the people alive to helping them develop what you hope will be things like good eating habits and solid relationships.
Now, I don’t know about you, but one of the hardest parts of parenting for me is establishing the boundaries – and then maintaining them – as my kids get older. It was much easier when the rules were obvious things like “don’t play in the street…or with knives” and “wait on mommy to open the safety gate at the top of the stairs.” But as they get older, the ground rules are much less black and white. Boundaries around screen time, sleep schedules, studying, and time with friends are much more complicated.
These rules are not just arbitrary ways to control our children, right? Regardless of what angsty tweens may claim, these boundaries are in place to keep them safe in the moment and to support their development into healthy young adults in the future. As parents, we have a vision in mind for the kind of adults we hope our children will become – and we want them to actually make it to adulthood! So, we each set various boundaries that we hope will help increase the chances of our children fulfilling that vision.
Well, it turns out that to co-parent well we also need to do some parenting…of ourselves. And parenting ourselves through the complications of raising children with someone you are no longer married to requires the same sort of intentional boundary setting.
To know what boundaries are needed for your situation, start by casting your vision for what you want from this co-parenting relationship. And, that answer should be focused on what outcome you want for your children.
What vision do you have for your children?
I’ve had a few vision statements I’ve held in mind as we have navigated this journey over the years. In the early years, it was to manage the entire divorce process – ours was a messy and protracted one – in a way that honored Christ. I have now added that I want my co-parenting to provide my children the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with everyone in our family.
Setting the vision is the easy part. Working day after day to achieve it is a long road. So, what rules do you need to have in place to help make it along that road toward the outcome you want for your children?
Over the next three days, I’ll share the three most important ground rules I have relied upon as a co-parent.
Be on the lookout for the email with the link each day. And once you’ve finished the series, I’d love to hear from you on any ground rules you’ve established that have helped you co-parenting in a way that is healthy for your family.
