“If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all.” That’s an adage of childhood that I remember being told time and time again. The concept of checking our words and making sure we speak encouragingly is good advice we give our children, and something we tell ourselves as adults, too. And, in most situations, this approach is the right one to take in relationships.
However, when life gets “real” staying silent isn’t always an option. There are times when we must speak. And sometimes that means directly to those who have hurt us most or have been the most cruel. I encountered that in a sobering way recently where I was required to speak, required to tell the truth, and there wasn’t much in that truth that was encouraging or kind. So, what do we do when we cannot stay silent and there is nothing particularly nice about the situation into which we must speak?
Guard your tongue
David faced the reality of life when circumstances of his own doing caught up with him in Psalm 39. Whether we are in a difficult situation of our own making or one that others force upon us, the way we face those circumstances is something we can control. When David was facing those that wanted the worst for him, he said:
“I said, ‘I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue. I will guard my mouth with a muzzle as long as the wicked are in my presence.'” ~ Psalm 39:1-2
The imagery of guarding my mouth with a muzzle was one that was stuck in my mind recently as I had to relay truth in a difficult situation with the source of that situation present.
Choose your audience
In difficult relationships, it is so easy to keep our focus on the person(s) we feel are against us. I know for me, that can lead to spiraling into frustration and anger. And while I may be fully justified in what I’m feeling, letting it take over my entire being is not healthy and it isn’t Godly.
While I didn’t have the option to stay silent, I found that praying for God to be my audience shifted my perspective and helped me guard my words. Choosing to focus on the One who is my provider, protector, and advocate, helped me to keep myself focused on relaying truth in a Christlike manner.
Love them…anyway
The older I get the more I realize that love isn’t an emotion. Its an action. An action we choose to take – whether we feel like it or not. Love is the message of Christ. It is how He treated everyone – from the disciples and His family to tax collectors, prostitutes, and traitors. He prayed for the forgiveness of the very people who executed him.
Love acted out is not seeking revenge or even justice. Justice sometimes comes and we even get to see it play out. But, sometimes it doesn’t and that’s hard when we’ve been wronged by other people – especially when it happens repeatedly. Christlike love lets grievances go, it turns the other cheek, it gives the benefit of the doubt when possible.
But, from time to time love must speak hard, uncomfortable truth. Speaking with love in hard circumstances requires us to stay focused on the truth and not our own frustrations or emotions. It cannot be driven by our sinful need to insult or return wounds.
This summer, I read my most recent favorite book, Everybody Always by Bob Goff. This is a moving, funny, convicting group of stories that reminded me that Jesus’ main message was love and that it is to be extended to everyone. In my recent situation when I was forced to be truthful (and not muzzled) in the presence of people making my life difficult, I guarded my tongue where I could, I chose to make God my audience, and I repeatedly reminded myself of the closing passage of this amazing book:
“Don’t just love the people who are easy to love; go love the difficult ones. If you do this, Jesus said you’d move forward on your journey toward being more like Him. Equally important, as you practice loving everybody, always, what will happen along the way is you’ll no longer be who you used to be. God will turn you into love.”
