As Christians, we are called to forgive. The Bible, both old and new testament, makes that clear. But, if you’re like me, you find yourself in situations where forgiveness either seems impossible or you wonder if your situation is one where forgiveness should even be expected. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to forgiveness lately. This post is part of that series.
The trail blaze was a white rectangle. Snow was all around and made finding the blaze even more of a challenge than it can be under non-snowy circumstances. The white blanket on the ground made it difficult to see the worn footpath and before we knew it, we were off the trail.
I am an avid hiker and, thanks to the inspiration from a sweet friend, I am currently working to section hike the Appalachian Trail in Georgia. This particular day, we were hiking a section in North Carolina, and snow had fallen overnight. It was beautiful.
But with the trail looking so foreign in the snow, it was easy to miss a sharp turn where the trail crossed a small creek. We missed it and kept moving forward in what looked like the snow covered indentation of the trail. But, soon we were climbing over trees and I began to notice that the ground under our feet wasn’t the usual firm, clear ground of the footpath and instead was covered in leaves and limbs under the snow. Looking around, we realized that there was not a trail blaze in sight and that we were off the trail.
Fortunately, we’d not wandered far – due in no small part to the fact that I am ridiculously paranoid about getting off trail and we could sort of see the lot where our car was parked. But the sensation of being off trail was still unnerving. We got back on track and enjoyed a beautiful almost 7-miles in the snow.
Because I hike a lot and because I’m thinking a lot these days about forgiveness, it struck me on the way home that day how valuable the trail blazes are and how important it is to look for them along the way. And I began to think about the emotional trail blazes I sometimes blow straight by in my life. I read somewhere recently that our emotions can be our indicators to show us what is really going on in our lives and relationships, and maybe little red flags that something is happening that needs our attention.
As an independent-to a fault, Pollyanna-sort of person who was the #1 fan of the 80’s cartoon “The Getalong Gang,” I am happiest when everyone is living in harmony. I don’t like bickering. I don’t like hurt feelings. I don’t like scenarios when people aren’t getting along. But, that’s the reality of relationships. Inevitably, there will be issues. And I’ve learned the hard way that in order to navigate them successfully, we have to be honest with ourselves about how we are feeling.
We must pay attention to those emotional trail blazes before our relationships wander off course.
And, I think that when relationships have gone very badly – divorce, a friendship ended, an ongoing issue with a family member – not acknowledging what hurt us to begin with actually makes forgiving – like we’re called to – really hard. That lack of acknowledgement of deep hurt has made the type of forgiveness really hard in a couple of scenarios in recent years.
At some point in my life, I became proud of the fact that I was thick skinned and let things roll off my back fairly easily. It may sound bizarre, but in tough relationships where there seemed to be endless criticism and difficulty, I would often quack (quietly under my breath to myself thanks to the saying of letting things roll off your back like a duck) when hurtful words and actions were aimed in my direction. I did my best to not acknowledge the hurt in order to keep myself from being derailed off track for the things I needed to get done in my day to day life. Very young children to care for and a career to grow were my focus and I thought that if I just kept quacking quietly, it would all roll off my back and things would improve.
Although I believe I was well intentioned in my approach, sticking my head in the sand didn’t work. In my case, the relationship where this reality played the biggest role was in my marriage. But, I don’t think I’m alone in acting this way and marriage isn’t the only place where this approach doesn’t work.
Women in particular are often taught to just make it work – whether that be in the workplace, on the playground, or in marriage. And again, I’m all for letting small offenses go to keep ourselves from stewing. But, ignoring genuine, repeated, deep hurt doesn’t solve anything in the relationship at the time, and it also seems to be something that can weigh down our attempts to forgive those at the center of that deep hurt.
Ignoring significant, ongoing hurts isn’t productive
While I do believe we are called to forgive and we are called to not be quarrelsome people constantly living in a state of being offended, ignoring significant, ongoing hurts isn’t productive. It is the equivalent of disregarding the trial blaze and wandering aimlessly not even knowing you’ve gotten yourself off trail. When I was off trail in my relationship, I’d somehow developed a view that to be the forgiving person I’m called to be in Christ, I could not even acknowledge that someone had deeply hurt me. I’d confused acknowledging pain and the source of that pain with being quarrelsome and perpetually angry.
In an effort to live a life honoring God, I’d acted as though I was forgiving with almost a “don’t mention it” attitude when significant hurts occurred. That’s not genuine forgiveness. That’s pretending and that sort of pretending will get us off the trail in the relationship or in the work to forgive when relationships have gone awry.
Acknowledging hurt is the first step to forgiveness
Acknowledging the hurt you are or were feeling in those moments of challenging or failed relationships is an important first step to forgiving. I don’t think you park yourself there and I do not think you keep coming back to that acknowledgement to fuel anger or resentment. But, letting yourself validate what you felt in the past – or better yet, what you are feeling in the moment – is a healthy early step on the path to forgiving those that hurt us most deeply.
