Forgiveness has been on my mind lately. Processing the dramatic changes in my life over the past five years has taken my mind and heart on a journey that has forgiveness rolling around in my mind these days. This post is the latest of what’s been bubbling to the surface of those thoughts.
If I’m completely honest, deep in my soul I feel a little tickle of discomfort these days. All of this reading and thinking and writing about forgiveness has been productive – for me at least – but in the depth of my heart something recoils when I park on this idea of really forgiving like Jesus does. On the surface, I can talk a good talk and most days I am comfortable with forgiving. But, what about deep, deep hurt? What about wrongs that changed the trajectory of my life and the lives of the people who mean the most to me? Or, what about friends who make disappointing choices that wound me deeply in the process? Enter that persistent discomfort.
By forgiving someone who has hurt me am I excusing (or even condoning) their behavior? That’s the source of that discomfort in my heart.
In Matthew 18, Jesus makes it clear how long and far we are to forgive.
“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'”
Matthew 18:21-22
Jesus’ lack of any opt-out or situations when I do not have to forgive makes me uncomfortable. What if the person I am forgiving misinterprets my forgiveness? What if it enables them to keep doing what they’ve been doing? What if they think what they did was ok?
As I’ve thought about – and frankly worried about that – one whisper keeps coming to my heart. What they do next or what they interpret is not really the point of my forgiveness. When I worry about forgiving being confused with excusing, I’m at risk of making forgiveness a transaction. In a transaction, my giving something (i.e. money for a service), means I a) expect something in return and b) am sort of making an endorsement by where I choose to spend my money. If I make the mistake of thinking of forgiveness as a transaction, I expect an apology in return – and lets face it, there are situations where that may never happen – and I’m assuming that my forgiveness is an endorsement of what I’m forgiving.
Forgiveness is not a transaction
The ultimate forgiveness we have been given in Christ is a gift that we would never be equipped to fully repay. And, yet, He forgave us anyway.
Forgiveness is what I am called to do, regardless of the person who has sinned against me. Forgiveness is not a transaction. It is often a unilateral act done by one person regardless of what the response or behavior is by the other person. Forgiveness acknowledges the hurt, let’s it go, and sets us free.
“Forgiveness never excuses the wrongs against us or waters down the awful nature of an offense. Forgiveness doesn’t pretend that something didn’t happen Forgiveness acknowledges the sin against us, no mater how dark, then sets us free, not the other person.”
Jim Daly, Focus on the Family
We are called to forgive, not excuse
We can’t be free in Christ if we are stuck in unforgiveness of another person or if we make forgiveness transactional. We are called to forgive as Christ forgave us. Not to excuse. Not to use forgiveness as some sort of endorsement of someone’s repentance or lack thereof. Forgiveness, it seems, is more about our relationship with Christ than our relationship with someone else.
