I’m pretty good at cooking, really good at dancing (regardless of what my kids say), one heck of a card player, and I can carry a tune. Jokes and wisecracks are my thing – some would say my love language – and I absolutely love to, and am good at, hosting people in my home for dinner. These are some of the talents I’ve cultivated in recent decades and are things for which I’m “known” among friends and family.
Being good at divorce is not on that list, nor is it something I knew a single thing about when this season of life began. I had no clue, in large part because I am the child of parents married for 45-years, and because most of my friends were still married. In fact, when things crumbled rapidly, I made a fateful call to a dearest of a friend and all I could say amidst tears was, “I think I need an attorney…” Without even as much of a hello uttered from my mouth, she knew what was up and immediately went to work.
I was lucky. I landed in the office of an incredible family law attorney. One who actually believes in families and one whom I’ve never had to remind of the children’s lives in the midst of the nightmare. But, I learned rapidly in the weeks that followed that building a team of professionals to help me navigate what was, for me, entirely uncharted waters was critical. That team does not need to be large. But, there are some key functions to consider.
Attorney. Divorce, like marriage, is a legal process. You’re seeking to break a legal contract and it is more complicated that I ever dreamed. There are many variables to consider and you need a legal professional who is an expert in family law. Ask around for friends of friends who have had a good experience and seek out meetings with those people. Likewise, listen for the ones that are described as a shark, a bad listener, or focused on building their career – and then run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
In my experience, the best are focused on preserving as much of the family as they can while protecting your children, your finances, and your life moving forward. They are good at listening to you, want to know about your family in all its uniqueness, and take the time to get to know you. They support your personal beliefs about family matters, but they also know how to push back if your expectations aren’t entirely reasonable. They are honest, are careful to not over-promise, and they are ever aware that it is your life, and your children’s lives, involved.
Typically, seek out firms that specialize in family law. In our area in Atlanta, there are a number of reputable firms that do nothing but family law work. Check out their website, ask around if you can, and listen to your gut. A basic consult meeting should be an option at a reduced hourly rate and in that meeting you should get an idea of their approach. You want someone who is proactive, who knows the family law system in your county, and who is organized. Responsiveness is a good indicator to watch for as is the types of questions they ask you about your spouse and your children. A respectful, family-focused professional is going to strike the right balance of assertiveness, empathy, and honest advice.
This seems obvious, but whatever you think you’ll spend on an attorney – double it. Good attorneys are typically worth every penny. And there will be lots of pennies spent during a divorce. A good family law attorney is going to look for ways for you to preserve whatever assets you have and not spend money unnecessarily. They will advise you on when it is necessary to spend money and when the cost-benefit analysis doesn’t make sense.
Once you find a good attorney, keep them. Attorney hopping is not recommended. In fact, I’ve been told good family law attorneys will not be anything beyond lawyer number two, maybe lawyer number three in special circumstances. Apparently this is a common trend when people are looking for attorneys to either work a miracle or want someone who will only tell them what they want to hear. This is not the time to be that person. Find a good attorney and build a good relationship with them.
Financial Adviser. If you haven’t worked directly with a financial professional, now is the time to form that relationship. If you and your spouse worked with one jointly, now is the time to get someone to focus exclusively on you. In my case, this was someone at my local bank branch where I’d banked for many years. The advice I received on planning to absorb the costs of divorce was invaluable and they continue to be a great resource today.
One word of caution. While you are still legally married, be cautious with what you do with “your” money. Turns out, not much is entirely yours…yet. If your financial adviser has thoughts on sources of credit or moving retirement funds, check with your attorney to make sure you’re not creating additional difficulty or flat out putting yourself in contempt of court.
Family counselor or therapist for yourself. Divorce is filled with emotion. And, chances are, you got here all wrapped up in some emotions and experiences that were less than healthy. You may have already been working with a therapist either as a couple or an individual. If you were working with someone as a couple, it is time to find your own person. If you were not, now is a good time to find a counselor. I preferred a Christian family therapist and my church, it turned out, had a family counseling center I’d been driving by for over six months without even noticing. If you don’t know of a center, ask your pastor.
I do recommend one that incorporates your faith. For me, this was a huge faith issue that I needed help processing. It also helped me to make sense of and address my emotions in a healthy, Christ-centered way. I met with a family counselor for about six months approximately once per week and it was a release to have one place where I could process all that was going on. This also gave me a safe place to talk out my options and to hear feedback from someone who didn’t have any bias in our situation. She didn’t know me before I walked in for that first session, and she only knew me on a professional therapist-client setting. Almost always, her thoughts mirrored those of my people, but she often arrived at the suggestion via a different route which was helpful to explore.
This also gave me a venue for venting and sorting out my emotions in a confidential setting away from my children. From day one, I have said they will never know the details. And, that is hard to conceal over time, especially in those early days when it is so raw and so much is still unfolding. This gave me a place where I could let it all out and not worry that the children would overhear me or that I’d burst with frustration at the end of a long day.
Counselor or therapist for your child(ren). This one will be your own call. Chances are, your child(ren), as the result of being kids of divorce, will be in therapy at some point in their childhood. As will many of their non-divorced family friends. But when you decide to do this depends on your family and on your child. How old are they? How disruptive is the divorce (let’s face it…all divorce is disruptive, but depending on the age and family patterns pre-divorce, some of less disruptive than others). Give this one a lot of thought and prayer. If you’re ready to consider a therapist for your child, ask your own therapist for recommendations. You’ll want to engage someone who is experienced with children of your child’s age and preferably has experience helping guide kids through divorce.
In the end, your “A-team” isn’t going to save you from the reality of divorce. But, by having an experienced group of professionals at hand to help you navigate the legal, financial, and emotional realities of divorce can help your family move forward in a secure and healthy manner.
