Very early on in my divorce process, my attorney reminded me of something so obvious I was missing it at the moment. She reminded me that my children would not always be the ages they were right then.
Duh. Obvious.
But at the time, we were sorting out our parenting plan laying out how holidays would be rotated, how the children would stay in touch with each of us between houses, and more. I’m sure I was insisting on some nuanced piece of the plan (probably related to Santa) that really would only relate to our kids for another year or so…and that might make absolutely no sense once they became (gasp!) teenagers.
The wisdom in her comment came from the simple truth that as parents – single or otherwise – we need to keep a longer view of our children’s lives. Sure, the day to day is important. And it can certainly be all consuming. But, the goal of parenting isn’t managing Monday. Or fifth grade. Right?
Ultimately, the goal of parenting is to get them to adulthood. And preferably they grow into the kind of adults that people – including you – really enjoy being around.
That reminder made in the midst of the awful weeds of building a parenting plan has really shaped my view of co-parenting. From that comment, I’ve developed the practice of naming what I ultimately want for my children.
Not the colleges I want them to attend. Or the jobs I think they will fill one day. Although I have opinions on these topics!
This vision is a broader statement that I have used to help serve as a reminder of where I am ultimately trying to lead them. It serves as a filter for when I am making decisions for them and for how I choose to co-parent.
And, it isn’t about me.
When you imagine the future when your kids are in high school, college, or early in their careers, what do you see? What does your family feel like? What feeling do you want them to have when they think about their family?
I’ve had a few vision statements over the years. In the early days, it was to manage the entire divorce process – and now life after divorce – in a way that honored Christ and pointed my kids to Jesus. I have now added that I want to provide my children the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with everyone in their family.
With that as my filter, my decisions about flexibility in co-parenting look different, right? It also helps set some boundaries about how we do – and do not – operate as a divorced family. When I ask myself how Jesus would behave if he was divorced and then add the layer of what will facilitate relationships for my children, the answers look different.
Different may mean answers that don’t serve my own preferences at times. It may mean that I give up some time with my children and it absolutely means that I bite my tongue…really hard some days.
Every co-parent’s vision will be different. If you’re lucky, you can have a joint vision with your co-parent. But, if you aren’t in that sort of relationship with your children’s other parent, that’s ok. With a clear, consistent, child-focused vision in mind, you can choose to co-parent in a way that leads to that vision. Regardless of how someone else may choose to co-parent with you.
By keeping your focus on your children during this season, you can cast a vision for where you hope to lead them. That vision can serve as your litmus test for decisions, and your filter for what you’ll say, and for what you won’t say.
And that vision will be your anchor on the hardest of co-parenting days when you need a pep talk to keep your perspective wide. Because we all need a reminder that the goal of parenting is not just to make it through Monday. Or fifth grade. Right?
