When I was very early in my own divorce journey, I received some advice that I’ve never forgotten. At the time, a co-parenting counselor was involved in our lives. And he made a comment that horrified me so much I still cannot shake it from my mind. It went something like this:
“The degree to which your children believe that you and their dad communicate well and respect each other directly correlates to their risk of delinquency as teenagers.”
Ummm…delinquency. That is nowhere near the vision I have for my children. So, I knew immediately that I had to do what I really did not feel like doing. I had to at least allow the children to believe that we had a decent co-parenting relationship.
Of course, that is easiest for kids to believe when it is real, right? But, in some situations, the relationship will always be a difficult, and in others it may only experience seasons of struggle. Regardless of where we find ourselves, we have to remember what is at stake.
To build on our second co-parenting ground rule, if we are aiming to facilitate healthy relationships with everyone in our family, and we want to avoid creating additional challenges on top of the already challenging teenage years, we must be mindful about how our children perceive our relationship with our former spouse.
And this brings us to our third ground rule.
Resist the temptation to speak your mind.
We absolutely cannot badmouth our children’s other parent.
This is a hard one – and, yes, I know this is not a new one or something you haven’t been told before.
Reminders like this are always included in the “don’t do” list for divorced parents because it is a pitfall we can all succumb to. After all, you’re not married to their other parent any longer because something didn’t go well, right? That makes this a scenario ripe for problems.
But even though it is hard, we must give it our best effort.
In all honesty, in those early months when our lives first erupted, that seemed like an unrealistically high bar. And I must admit there continue to be days where it is exceptionally difficult.
Choose respect.
But, I’ve learned that treating someone with respect is a choice. And choosing to treat them with respect doesn’t mean you agree with, enjoy being around, or think someone makes wise choices.
You can respect someone else’s opinion – even when it doesn’t align with your own. You can respect the reality that someone else is also your child’s parent.
I think the key here is that we can choose to act – and speak – with respect toward – and about – another human being regardless of how we may feel about that person. And – and this may be your kicker – regardless of how that person may be choosing to treat you.
The choice leads to change.
Once I’ve made that choice – really I have to make that choice daily – then my actions and words need to change.
Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t have valid frustrations. It simply means you don’t air them to your children. I found very early on that I needed to put a tight boundary around the scenarios in which I would allow myself to vent about our divorce. I only allowed myself to do that to my counselor and to a very tight group of people that I could count on fewer fingers than I have on one hand.
I set this boundary for myself to be sure I didn’t fall into the habit of venting about someone my children adore. It seemed that if I allowed that habit to take hold when talking to too many adults, it may slip into conversation with my children. This is a rule I work hard to maintain to this day. And, yes. It is still an intentional choice and it is still hard many days.
Watch your tone…and your face.
It is also important to remember that this isn’t just about the words you speak. It is also your facial expressions when your child talks to you about their other parent. It is in your tone. It is in your body language when you are around both your former spouse and your children at the same time.
You’ve probably been reminded at some point that kids are emotional sponges. They soak up all that is around them, even when they aren’t entirely certain what is going on. If they are telling you about something funny that happened at their dad’s house and your face is telling them that you don’t like hearing that, regardless of what your mouth says, your child will read that message like a pro. You are implying disapproval on some level.
Regardless of the state of your co-parenting relationship, guarding your tongue – and looks…and tone – will likely be the area where constant prayer is needed. If you’re anything like me, I pray for a filter on my mouth – and facial expressions – with great frequency because I know my own humanness.
And I remember that warning about what is at stake. The marriage may have ended, but my children’s family did not. And their need for parents focused on what is best for them also did not come to an end.
Keep focused on that vision you have for your children as young adults, and remember how your day to day discussions can impact those outcomes.
