When I think of the outcomes I want for my children as they grow into adults, having healthy family relationships is near the top of my list. And that includes healthy relationships with people I’m no longer legally related to. I do not want my children to grow into adults with a list of people in their family with whom they have a limited, or no, relationship.
If you’re like me, you just want your kids to be well-adjusted. You may dream of a family that remains close as the kids grow up, even if that means they are close across two households instead of one. And while this may be really hard to make happen, it feels, to me anyway, that we have to at least give it a try, right?
This leads us to the second ground rule for co-parenting.
As divorced parents, we must actively facilitate relationships with everyone in the family. This can be a hard one, especially since it forces you to not simply permit – think just following the parenting plan – but to actively endorse, support, and sometimes insist that time be spent with people you are no longer related to, at least legally. These relationships should certainly include your child’s other parent, but it also should include that parent’s extended family.
So, what does this look like day to day?
“It is ok with me that you love your dad.”
First, your children need to know that it is ok with you that they love their other parent. In the midst of their family dividing and then navigating that divide in the years that follow, kids often try to be the diplomats carefully walking between the two sides of their lives. That’s a heavy burden – and frankly, one that no parent should be intentionally placing on their child. But it happens, even in the best of situations, as kids sort out how this all is going to work now that their family has changed.
Show – and tell – your kids that it is ok with you that they love the other parent. You can demonstrate this by helping them pick out holiday and birthday gifts for their other parent, or listening with great attention when they share fun things going on at their other house. And you can overtly tell them, “It is ok with me that you love your dad/mom.”
Showing and telling them is a way to combine words and actions to help with their comfort level and minimize the degree to which they feel the need to be junior diplomats.
Facilitate connections.
Second, whenever you can, commit to facilitating connections between your children and their other parent. This is particularly important if you are the primary custodian. If possible, allow children the time to connect with their other parent daily. This can be over the phone or face time, and it doesn’t have to be long. As kids get older, they can connect over email or text depending on what devices you have and allow in your home.
This also means protecting the time they physically spend with the other parent. Be mindful of how you navigate any potential interruptions to this – for example when the kids are invited to a party or event during your former spouse’s parenting time. Allow their other parent the discretion about how they will spend that time with your children.
And be careful to allow your children to look forward to time at their other parent’s home. Avoid saying things like, “I’m going to be so lonely when you’re gone,” or “I always feel so sad when you’re not home.” The degree of emotional responsibility that puts on your child is a topic entirely to itself, but it also creates fertile ground for their hearts to not be fully at peace when they are at their other parent’s house. It could leave them feeling anxious, make them worry about you, or even make them feel guilty for not being with you. Your kids are not your emotional support animals, so save those thoughts on how you feel when they are gone for other adults in your life.
Remember your former in-laws.
Last, the other parent isn’t the only member of the family you need to remember. If your in-laws are still living, be sure to allow those relationships to be maintained. These extended family relationships bring richness on both sides of your child’s family, and demonstrating an ability to collaboratively love your child even after your family’s fracture is a way to support your child as they navigate life post-divorce.
This one can be as simple as making sure you have the children call their “other” grandparents on holidays or birthdays. It could be making sure that everyone – including extended family on your former spouse’s side of the family – know about performances or games. Interacting maturely and communicate at least civilly when you see these family members at the children’s activities is also important.
Always remember that your marriage ended, but your child’s family didn’t. And in the early months (and sometimes years), some of these steps may be hard. That’s ok. Start slowly and at least do your best to adopt this mindset. Find ways that you can facilitate these relationships in a way that makes sense for where you and your children are at this time.
The people they love may not be people you choose to be in legal relationship with anymore, but for your child’s sake, you can take these first steps to facilitate healthy relationships with everyone in the family.
A special note on relationships – in most families, full facilitation of the relationship between kids, parents, and extended family is a no brainer. But, not in all cases. There may be instances where a family member is in an unhealthy season or situation. If you find yourself in a place where you genuinely believe that the situation is not healthy, you need to speak with family law and mental health professionals. This is not the time to rehash how out of line you think your former spouse is for the choices he or she makes. But, the word “healthy” is the central piece of this ground rule. If you have legitimate, serious reasons to believe things may not be healthy, then you need to seek out assistance to understand the best way to manage this – without putting your children in the middle.
