The degree of grief that accompanies divorce caught me off guard.
Of the things I mourned most, our intact family topped the list. It shouldn’t have surprised me. Keeping our family together was the reason I’d delayed this inevitable step for so long. But I had no idea how much I’d grieve my children not growing up with both parents in the same household. Every vision and dream I had for my future – and theirs – assumed our family would be together. That togetherness in my mind implied closeness and richness in family relationships. When things fell apart, that was one of the hardest losses for me to mourn.
And I think the reason that shook me so deeply is because I greatly value the relationships I’ve had throughout my life with own family. People who have literally known me my entire life – and love me anyway – bring a depth that few life relationships can.
So when it all continued to sink in that my children were going to grow up with parents in different households, it broke my heart. And many days it still does.
As the years have passed, and as I’ve received wisdom from others in my life, I’ve come to understand that even across households, children can develop and maintain relationships with everyone in their family, even if separate households are reality.
When I think of the outcomes I want for my children as they grow into adults, healthy family relationships are near the top of my list. And that includes healthy relationships with people I’m no longer legally related to. I do not want my children to grow into adults with a list of people in their family with whom they have a limited, or no, relationship.
This leads us to the second ground rule for co-parenting.
As divorced parents, we must attempt to actively facilitate relationships with everyone in the family. This can be a hard one for so many reasons. It forces you to not simply permit – think just following the parenting plan – but to actively endorse, support, and sometimes insist that time be spent with people you are no longer related to.
So, what does this look like day to day?
“It is ok with me that you love your dad.”
First, I think your children need to know it is ok with you that they love their other parent.
In the midst of their family dividing and then navigating that divide in the years that follow, kids often try to be the diplomats carefully walking between the two sides of their lives. That’s a heavy burden – and frankly, one that no parent should be intentionally placing on their child. But it happens, even in the best of situations, as kids sort out how this all is going to work now that their family has changed.
Show – and tell – your kids that it is ok with you that they love the other parent. You can demonstrate this by helping them pick out holiday and birthday gifts for their other parent, or listening with great attention when they share fun things going on at their other house. And you can overtly tell them, “It is ok with me that you love your dad/mom.”
Showing and telling them is a way to combine words and actions to help with their comfort level and minimize the degree to which they feel the need to be junior diplomats.
Facilitate connections.
Second, whenever you can, commit to facilitating connections between your children and their other parent. If possible, allow children the time to connect with their other parent daily. This can be over the phone or face time, and it doesn’t have to be long. As kids get older, they can connect over email or text depending on what devices you have and allow in your home.
This also means protecting the time they physically spend with the other parent. Be mindful of how you navigate any potential interruptions to this – for example when the kids are invited to a party or event during your former spouse’s parenting time. Allow their other parent the discretion about how they will spend that time with your children.
Be careful to allow your children to look forward to time at their other parent’s home. Avoid saying things like, “I’m going to be so lonely when you’re gone,” or “I always feel so sad when you’re not home.”
The degree of emotional responsibility that puts on your child is a topic entirely to itself, but it also creates fertile ground for their hearts to not be fully at peace when they are at their other parent’s house. It could leave them feeling anxious, make them worry about you, or even make them feel guilty for not being with you. Relying on your children for emotional support is not a healthy dynamic – for anyone in that equation – so save those thoughts on how you feel when they are gone for the adults in your life.
Remember your former in-laws.
Your children’s other parent isn’t the only member of the family you may need to remember. If your in-laws are still living, be sure to allow those relationships to be maintained. These extended family relationships bring richness on both sides of your child’s family, and demonstrating an ability to collaboratively love your child even after your family’s fracture is a way to support your child as they navigate life post-divorce.
This one can be as simple as making sure you have the children call their “other” grandparents on holidays or birthdays. It could be making sure that everyone – including extended family on your former spouse’s side of the family – know about performances or games. Interacting maturely and communicate at least civilly when you see these family members at the children’s activities is also important.
A word about reciprocal behavior
However you feel led to facilitate the relationship with your child’s entire family, I think it is important to remember that you choose how you do this – and how you are being co-parented with may need to be something you do not factor into your decision making process.
Regardless of how your former spouse is choosing to facilitate relationships – or not – you can choose your own approach. Healthy relationships can be offered. The opportunities can be given regardless of what others may or may not provide to you. Resist the temptation to return bad behavior if that’s what you’re receiving. (If you find yourself or your children in a potentially unsafe or unhealthy situation, see the note below).
Always remember that your marriage ended, but your child’s family didn’t. And in the early months (and sometimes years), these steps may be hard. That’s ok. Start slowly and at least do your best to adopt this mindset. Find ways that you can facilitate these relationships in a way that makes sense for where you and your children are at this time.
The people they love may not be people you choose to be in legal relationship with anymore, but for your child’s sake, you can take these first steps to facilitate the opportunity for healthy relationships wherever possible.
A special note on relationships – in most families, full facilitation of the relationship between kids, parents, and extended family is a no brainer. But, not in all cases. There may be instances where a family member is in an unhealthy place and that unhealth may make things unsafe. If you find yourself and/or your children in a situation you genuinely believe is not safe, you need to speak with family law and mental health professionals. The word “healthy” is the central piece of this ground rule for a reason. If you have legitimate, serious concerns that things may not be healthy, you need to seek out assistance to understand the best way to manage this – without putting your children in the middle.
