Part three of my thoughts on navigating difficult relationships with difficult people.
I’ve got a weird relationship with raw emotion. Part of me desperately wants to be justified in how I’m feeling. I want to know that my “off the cuff” immediate gut reaction to a situation is legitimate and real. On the other hand, I don’t like to be coddled, encouraged, or allowed to wallow in that raw emotion – unless it is joy or elation…I’ll wallow in that all day long.
But, when the emotion is one that doesn’t feel good – anger, frustration, disappointment, jealousy – I don’t want to feel like a crazy person experiencing uncalled for reactions. I want to know, preferably from others, that what I feel is not just understandable, but right. However, if I’m feeling these negative emotions, I do not want to that emotion to be fed. I don’t typically linger in those spaces and I am uncomfortable with stewing in those darker spaces for very long.
So, that’s a strange balance. I want to be validated for how I feel in the moment, but not for too long. And, for the most part, I think that is a fairly healthy way to handle emotions – especially the darker more difficult ones. But, what happens when the same emotion creeps up time and time again? And what happens when that repeat reaction stems from interactions with the same person? Over and over and over again.
When that happens – and it happens to us all at times when we are working through a “required relationship” that’s not going well – the cycle of feel and then move on becomes shorter and shorter and suddenly we run the risk of not moving on from that emotion. And, I know at least for me, that’s when I begin to creep into dangerous territory where my emotions rule how I speak and act. Dangerous because this typically happens for me when I’m feeling those darker emotions like anger, frustration, or disappointment. If I’m running short on the chance to work through my “feel and move on” cycle, then I’m more like to remain in those feelings and act or speak from those feelings. Speaking directly from anger usually ends up with someone yelling…and that someone is usually me. Acting directly from frustration usually ends up with the problem amplified and frustration increased…probably on both sides of the equation. For me, this is where difficult relationships become even more challenging.
As I’ve continued to unpack what I learned from Lysa TerKeurst’s book, Unglued, I’m struck by her call to rely upon what she calls our own “Biblical Procedure Manual.” Lysa points out a verse from 2 Chronicles that struck me as the formula for how I need to handle my immediate reactions in all situations, but especially in the tricky relationships in my life.
Feel and Then Focus.
The balance I’m trying to strike in difficult relationships is feeling the legitimate emotions that stem from interactions with the challenging people in my life. Those emotions, after all, are God-given and feeling them is not wrong. But, as Lysa shares in the book, even when feeling sometimes less than positive emotions, my immediate next step must be to remain focused on God. She shares the example of King Jehoshaphat from 2 Chronicles as a reminder of this formula.
“Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the LORD, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah. The people of Judah came together to seek help from the LORD; indeed, they came from every town in Judah to seek him.”
2 Chronicles 20:3-4
The kingdom of Judah was threatened. And the king felt legitimate alarm. I love that we’re told that. The context of this story shows that alarm was justified. But what I love even more is that we’re told in six-words something Jehoshaphat did before he took action.
“…Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the LORD…”
After he felt the emotion, but before he took any action, the king resolved to keep his focus fixed on the Lord and he asked for guidance.
Interestingly, we don’t know how much time passed between the feeling of alarm and the proclamation to fast. It could have been a short pause or it could have been days or weeks of seeking God’s wisdom. Regardless of the length of time, he took that step. The pause between emotion and action gives us the space to make sure our focus is fixed where it should be. Not on the emotion. Not on the person on the other side. Not on the history of the relationship pattern. On God.
And that pause requires self-discipline and a focus on the greater goal of honoring God. It requires a broader perspective, a longer horizon than the relative-momentariness of the challenging situation before us. Keeping the long-term view of our relationship with God and what He desires to accomplish in our lives is the perspective that seems to give the greatest amount of self-discipline to pause.
Thankfully, God doesn’t ask us to stop feeling. In the Old and New Testament, we’re reminded repeatedly that emotions are real and legitimate. But, we’re also given examples of that self-discipline it takes to place clinging to our relationship with God ahead of the emotions that stem from difficult relationships.
