I caught myself about to doze off sitting in my car in the driveway of my daughter’s piano teacher’s house. My first thought was what my daughter’s reaction would be if she came skipping to the car to find me leaning against the driver side window snoring and drooling. With this particular child, the reaction would be epic. To avoid the drama, I rolled down the window, turned up the music, and called my mom in an effort to stay awake.
All I could think was, “How on earth is it only Tuesday?” It felt like next Monday at the least. And then the answer to my question came flooding to mind – two active children; a wonderfully busy and rewarding job; going through 5th grade a second time and 3rd grade a third time; all the things that we moms (single and otherwise) deal with like groceries, what’s for dinner, laundry, cleaning (or straightening!), saving, budgeting, investing, car maintenance, flu shots, school projects, monitoring if the child has actually done his homework, making sure chapel uniforms are clean and on the body of said child on chapel day, dentist appointments, exercise, and what the heck do you mean I was supposed to be changing out those air filters that often?!?! Crap. No wonder we’ve all been sneezing.
Add in the other challenges of the adult world – tween-aged children, co-parenting, navigating health challenges – and the exhaustion makes sense. Especially when I consider that my first instinct is to think, “I’ve got this…”. My sinful pride takes over and I think to myself how competent I am and that I can push through anything. Heck, I’m a woman. And I’m a mom. This is what we do.
Yeah, this is what we do. We convince ourselves we can manage it all, we keep saying yes, we don’t delegate, we certainly don’t ask for help, and we stare at the days and think, “Bring. It. On.” Until we don’t. Until we wake up in the morning and, before our feet hit the floor, calculate how many hours we must survive before we can go back to bed (wait, am I the only one?!) We work ourselves to utter exhaustion and to the point that the weariness distorts all of the many blessings in our lives into things that zap our energy and stand between us and a good night’s sleep. What a messed up way to view God’s blessings, provision, and protection.
There has to be a better way to keep the cadence of life in perspective, to achieve restoration, and to stay kingdom focused. I’ve spent a good deal of time in recent years in the state of perpetual exhaustion and the more I think about how I get to that point, the more I realize my perspective is often what puts me on the train track barreling toward feeling spent, tired, and like I can only face each day putting one foot in front of the other.
In the borderline chaos that a wonderfully full life can bring, it is easy to almost unknowingly shift focus. Good causes, important jobs, roles God calls us to, friendships we hope to make and maintain, and more can become what captivates us. And, the frightening part for me is that it happens a millimeter at a time until all of a sudden there has been a mile-wide shift in my perspective.
To keep myself in check, I’ve found that from time to time I have to assess my decisions and commitments against where I know my gaze should be focused. At the end of the day, I have to ask myself, “Are the choices I’m making for the ‘good’ of Christ in this broken world, or do they serve some other purpose that is not kingdom-focused?” In Galatians, Paul writes:
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” ~Galatians 6:9
John Piper wrote about this verse and suggested that the “good” Paul talks about probably mirrors the fruit of the spirit (patience, love, kindness, etc). That is what I’m not to grow weary in. So, is what I’m spending my time doing making me so exhausted that I find myself unable to reflect a spirit evident of God’s work in my life?
What should I say yes to more often? Time spent cultivating fruit: love (how can I spend my time loving someone well today?), joy (am I living proof of the joy of God?), peace (are there situations where I can be the voice of peace?), patience (where can I resist the temptation to speak?), kindness (who can I put ahead of myself today?), goodness (where can I see the provision of God in others?), faithfulness (who do I need to die on a hill for today?), gentleness (when do my words need to soften?), and self-control (when do I need to say no?).
That’s a whole lot of questions, but ones we can prayerfully ask ourselves as we move decision-by-decision through our days. Letting fruit-baring be our litmus test could lead us to a less frantic pace and some assurance that what we’re doing is the good we are called to do with strength and energy.
And speaking of energy? Have I mentioned I’m writing this before 4am?!? Cue the upcoming post on sleepless nights…
