I don’t know about you, but the past almost three years has been…a lot. The degree of communal exhaustion around me has been shocking. Coming out of the first two years of pandemic, I noticed that I wasn’t just tired. I was weary. That sort of worn out is something a nap won’t fix.
Many things have collectively worn us down in recent years. This is the latest post in Working Through Weary, a series of thoughts on what may be contributing to some of our exhaustion, and a few thoughts on how to make small shifts that could begin to restore our souls…and energy levels.
We have become so uncomfortable with disagreement that it is reshaping our community practices. You and I have a different opinion on a particular topic? Get out. You see the world differently than I do? You’re wrong. You dare to question the validity of a commonly held viewpoint? Don’t sit at my dining room table.
Somewhere back around 20-something or other, we lost of collective ability to sit in disagreement and still maintain relationship.
The discomfort that sitting in disagreement creates can be hard. It can leave us hanging, questioning the reliability of the relationship. And sometimes a mismatch in opinions, points of view, or preferred next steps makes day-to-day life weird, uncomfortable, and at times untenable.
When faced with conflict, I used to believe it really mattered that the people in my life understood where I was coming from. Sometimes that’s because I desperately needed to be right. But more often, it was because I desperately wanted to be right with the person.
Many of us grew up believing the adage of not letting the sun go down on anger – it is the Bible after all.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
Ephesians 4:26-27
Sometimes we extend the definition of anger to mean anything that causes disagreement. As the oh so literal being I am, I often read that verse to mean that resolution must be met before anyone goes to sleep. That is a TERRIBLE approach to conflict management, and if you’re like me, some of my worst comments have come out of my big mouth when I’m tired.
But heres’ the deal, or at least what I have missed for years. Resolution is absent from Paul’s command to the Ephesians. We can be angry and not sin. We can let go of anger so it doesn’t disturb rest. And we can still wake up not in agreement with someone or something. There is no need, nor a command, to rush to resolve disagreement.
Rushing to resolution can be an ineffective Band-Aid on what may very well be a larger issue that needs to be addressed. If we focus only on “getting right” with someone, sometimes we are simply sweeping issues under the proverbial rug, fooling ourselves into thinking everything is ok when it may not be at all. And the exhausting hamster wheel of conflict continues as what appears resolved on the surface is stewing underneath.
When disagreement arises, let’s pause, calm down, and give ourselves time to think and pray about what resolution may look like. This approach interrupts the habit of immediacy that we are so tethered to in today’s world. How do we do that? Here are a few thoughts:
Give yourself – and others – permission to take a pause and calm down. Anger is normal, and sinful responses are likely to tumble out of our mouths if we speak or take action in the heat of anger. But taking a pause is so hard when our emotions are running the show.
What if we decided in advance that it is ok to be candid with the people in our lives and tell them when we need a pause? What if we created space for those who need a pause?
Can we see things from their vantage point?
What if they’re right? Or what if you tried to take on their point of view, if only briefly. Would that help us see things from the other person’s vantage point?
We live in a time when opinions and people are growing further and further polarized. When we rush to the edges of a viewpoint, we place ourselves so far from the other person’s point of view that we stand little chance of understanding them, much less reaching any sort of resolution.
I wonder what would happen if we took the time to listen, not assume, and hear, and maybe even try to see things, from their point of view.
Could we still believe they are wrong when all is said and done? Yep.
Could we learn something new in the process? There’s a good chance that will happen.
Could being willing to come close to an opposing point of view and really listen to the human on the other side of the issue change my relationships? Every dang time.
