“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
“Tell me how you’re doing,” she said. Not even an actual question. Just a statement that asked a lot. A loaded lot given all that was transpiring in our family’s life.
She always asked questions. That was her job. She was a part of the process – this awful divorce — that required many voices helping figure out what life would look like for our family across two households now that divorce was our reality.
I was accustomed to her questions about how the kids were doing. But, one about me was unexpected.
Less than a year earlier, life changed dramatically for our family and I’d spent the months since navigating a difficult, exhausting legal process, and adapting to single parent life.
Her comment caught me off guard and in an instant I was sobbing.
As she brought the box of Kleenex to the table, all I could say was, “This is not the example I wanted to give my children.”
My parents had been married over forty years at that point and my maternal grandparents for sixty-five. I had grown up with a front row seat to two marriages that lasted. Not perfect marriages by any means. But real ones that showed what it was like to make it through the valleys in life with relationships remaining in tact. And these awful recent months had brought into full view the fact that I was unable to do what they did.
I wasn’t going to be giving my children an example of how marriage can last. And that realization was devastating.
The kind, gentle observation shared back to me is one I will never forget.
“You are giving them an example. You’re showing them what to do – and how to survive – when things don’t go the way you hoped.”
When I became a mom, the instruction from Proverbs to train my children for how they should live was ever present in my mind. And early on in my parenting journey that seemed like teaching them to be kind, polite, and aware of God as their maker and savior.
The naivety that comes with being a new parent can easily blind anyone to the reality that godly parenting also includes teaching children how to keep their eyes on Jesus when life goes in directions we wouldn’t choose. When people make decisions that disappoint, hurt, and sometimes leave us with only less than ideal next steps.
As much as we’d love to prevent it, our children will experience disappointment, people will hurt their hearts, and at some point they may find themselves with no ideal paths ahead. A crucial part of our job is to train them for the inevitable.
So, when they look back – and when they look back with the context that only age and maturity can bring – the example they see can be one that points to the true character of the God who loves them so deeply.
There is no place too dark for God.
Realizing that my marriage had to end and loving Jesus at the same time felt like totally competing realities. It felt I’d wandered alone into a dark place where surely the Lord would never be.
But, God promises his people that he never leaves us – even in our greatest disappointments and failures. He is the God of dark places and heartbreaking realities. He is the God of this fallen world and there is no place too deep, dark, or isolated for him to go (Joshua 1:9).
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you.”
Joshua 1:9
When our children inevitably encounter the hard edges of life, remember that they’ve been watching. We have the chance every day, especially in those hard, dark seasons, to show them that God is just as much with them in the dark as he is on their best days.
There are no “outs” when it comes to modeling Christ.
When life gets ugly, it is tempting – and easily justified – to mirror back what is being done to us by others. Divorce is the among the ugliest of ugly and there were days when it felt impossible to live this horrible thing and model Jesus at the same time.
But, when we’re called to live like Christ, there are no “outs” allowing us a situational pass to not follow him (1 John 2:6).
“Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.”
1 John 2:6
In the midst of intense, hurtful, or particularly difficult days, we must intentionally remind ourselves that Jesus also experienced an abundance of the hardness that comes with life on this earth. He was misunderstood, taunted, criticized, and ultimately experienced ugly to a degree we never will. And his God-honoring character never faltered.
Ours certainly will on hard days, but, again, we have an opportunity to model for our children a pattern of walking through all manner of difficult roads and follow Jesus at the same time. Helping them see that Jesus gives us the example for how to navigate really rough waters is an important part of training them how to live lives that honor Christ.
This is a really beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you! It was certainly a great reminder that what God wants to use to accomplish his purpose is really different than what we think it will look like.