Our immediate instincts in relationships with others have a massive impact on how we live in community with those people. Whether it be in the workplace, at home, or in the grocery store with strangers, our split second reactions can have huge sway over our lives. Identifying potentially problematic relationship reflexes and examining alternative ways to react is what we’re exploring in this series.
When I was a kid, I was a weirdo when it came to the foods I didn’t eat. I wasn’t one of those children who only lived on chicken nuggets – a) because those weren’t quite a thing yet in the early 80’s; and b) my parents weren’t going for anything other than “eat what we put in front of you.”
Even so there were certain foods I would not eat. And here’s the weirdo part. It was all stuff that was “typical” kid food. Peanut butter and jelly? Kill me now. Mashed potatoes? Total gag reflex. Hotdogs? Oh good Lord, take it away. These were my three food nemeses.
And in the early 80’s when I had field trips in grade school, was old enough to have a slew of birthday parties to which I was invited, and sleepovers began to be a thing in my little friend group, guess what was served every time? Like every. single. time.
I look back on these days and I have vivid memories of being in situations where one of these three items was served – and thank God those are not three foods that really go together on a menu so I never got a full trifecta of disgusting to navigate. The consistent theme of these memories is that I was so worried about these meals where I knew one of my food nemeses was being served. Did hunger drive this worry? Nope. Oddly, hunger wasn’t the problem. The stomach-ache inducing issue I faced in these situations was if I was going to hurt the feelings of the person who prepared the food.
Now, that seems really sweet and all – and I’m sure there is some degree to which this level of being considerate really was a nice trait in an eight year old – but what made me really die inside was thinking they would think badly of me if I didn’t eat the nasty concoction they placed in front of me. The seeds of people pleasing run deep with this one, clearly.
So, I did what every polite, people pleasing eight year old would do. I developed a plan to accidentally drop, ruin, or damage my food so that I could escape eating it without anyone realizing it was because I didn’t like what they made. Pool party with hotdogs being served? I have a movie-quality memory of walking away from the condiment table having put a ridiculous amount of ketchup and mustard on my hotdog just in case I had to try to eat it, and the hotdog itself “accidentally” slipping from the bun and onto the concrete. My bathing suit clad self quickly picked up the wiener, threw it in the trash, and assured the hosts that I was totally fine and would certainly come get another hotdog when I was done eating the condiment slathered bun.
Mashed potatoes for dinner when I slept over with a friend? I’d eat every other thing on the plate and then would “discreetly” and slowly spread the potatoes around in the hopes that they blended in with the plate itself.
PB and J? I would pretend I already got one and then pray that there was actually other food to go along with the sandwich.
Now, I know that kids have been faking eating food since the beginning of time. But, what strikes me on these memories is that my source of distress wasn’t so much that I absolutely hated those foods or that I was hungry, but rather how worried I was about hurting someone’s mom’s feelings. On top of that, when my parents picked me up from these outings, they were universally greeted with accolades on how polite I was. And the seeds of people pleasing were established even more deeply.
I’ve learned to like mashed potatoes and I can tolerate a hot dog occasionally (minus the bun, ironically), but I still hate jelly and the ways it ruins a perfectly good peanut butter sandwich. And, even though my food pallet has changed, my desire to please – and the underlying motivations – have only intensified.
Pleasing others has seeped into every corner of my life. Whether it be while working on a project with colleagues, volunteering for one of my children’s classes at school, or with my family, my immediate instinct is to think, “what is it that you want me to do to make you happy?” And, like with not wanting to hurt a friend’s mom’s feelings, it almost always starts from a good place. Putting others first is what we’re called to do, right?
But, if I’m not careful, my aim to make everyone around me happy first and foremost misses the point of my call to live a Kingdom-oriented life. Because – news flash – sometimes what makes other people happy does not align with what makes God happy or what His will is in a certain situation. And when I’m tunnel vision focused on pleasing the people in front of me, I relegate God to the back seat.
Paul was pretty clear in his letter to the Colossians on what our order of priority needs to be:
“Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men.”
Colossians 3:23
I’ve learned that what I’ve always thought was my people-pleasing tendency is really a priority shift. While it looks like making everyone happy on the surface, the reality is that, for me, it is a symptom of a much larger issue – getting my priorities out of whack. And as a believer in and lover of Jesus Christ, I cannot allow myself to live in a state where He is not first.
So, how do I retrain my people-pleasing reflex? Here are a few thoughts:
Get to know the Lord, again.
When my people-pleasing/priority problem is at is worst, I’ve realized those are times when I am not spending time regularly in the Word. Now, I can hear the eye rolls. I rolled my eyes in a “yeah, yeah, yeah” kind of way when I heard women talk about their quiet times in the past. And I’d think, “yeah, you don’t have kids…” or “try that when you have to catch the early flight for a business trip…” or “I’m too tired…”
I get it. But, I am increasingly convinced that it is really easy for us to de-prioritize the people who we don’t know well. Sort of like “out of sight, out of mind.” And if I believe I am called to keep the Lord as my top priority in life, I’ve got to know Him. Like really know Him. That only happens if I am regularly listening to what He’s already told me in His Word.
For me, this is a first thing in the morning devotion. For over a year now, I’ve been using the FirstFive app from the team at Proverbs 31. In the app, you can complete a Biblically-based devotion in five minutes. If you purchase the experience guide, it may take 15-minutes. Max. The studies are sequential and are usually one to two books at time. And I have loved it.
Whatever pattern works for you, find it. If we want to stop working so hard to please people and making that a priority in our lives, we need to find a new (or renewed) priority and getting into the Word on a daily basis has been crucial for me. Proverbs spells it out for us:
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.”
Proverbs 29:25
I won’t trust anyone I don’t know. If I want to trust the Lord, placing a priority on that relationship, then I need to know Him.
Find the balance between putting ourselves second and becoming others-focused.
When living a Christ-centered life, we are called to die to ourselves. We are given the model of Jesus who put others before himself. This putting ourselves second is a good thing.
But, that’s not what we are doing when we are locked into people-pleasing mode. In that mindset, we are actually prioritizing our own need for acceptance and approval and we center our focus around other people who can feed that need for us. It isn’t selfless at all. In fact, it is quiet self-focused.
I recently read a post by Lysa Terkeurst where she pointed out that, “real love pursues authenticity rather than chasing acceptance.” We kid ourselves when we think we are “serving” others when our motivation for prioritizing people is to soothe our own insecurities with the addictive, temporary salve of acceptance. When we are loving authentically, we can see a definite difference between putting others first and being others-focused aiming to earn acceptance by making other people happy.
Knowing Whose we are and where our focus should be can reorient our relationships in a revolutionary way. Training ourselves to not react out of a desire to please to receive acceptance from others is one more step we can take on the road to retraining our relationship reflexes to honor God.
