“This is not what I want for us…”
As hard as I try to fight it and as hard as I work to make things “right” for me and my sweet children, the thought has run through my head over and over and over for the past almost four years since life turned upside down. In the early months of the terribleness of divorce, I cried this out to my parents and my closest friends. In the years that have followed, it has surprised me that this cry has continued to well up in me from time to time. The thought that just won’t go away.
Tonight, after a particularly hard day and in the context of difficult waters rising again, I vented to my saint of a mother on the phone (again) about how this is not what I want for us, how I wanted to be free of the never ending challenges of single parenting, how I wished that the co-parenting situation were different, and how I wanted so much more for my children. And as always, she pointed me away from despair and to the One who holds all our hearts.
I have a colleague who often says, “None of this is a surprise to God.” That’s reassuring to consider as we walk through rough waters. He knows what is behind us, what we are currently swimming in, and He knows if and when the current changes. But, in the dark of night, when I’m honest, it is also maddening. How on earth could God know this was/is coming and not save me? Was He trying to rescue me/us from this and I missed (or possible ignored) his calling? Does He not see me?
The thing about hard days that are often most difficult for me is collapsing in exhaustion in the (what many would consider early) evening, only to be wide awake in the wee morning hours. In those dark hours, the words spoken, decisions made, and general low points of the day become most pronounced. And that is where I find myself now.
But, as if answering the question above of if He sees me, God whispers to me the words that my mom reminded me of from Hebrews:
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross,scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
Hebrews 12:1-3
The Maker of the universe sees me so clearly that He’s marked a race out for me (v1). I am not called to run MY race, but rather the race HE set out for me. And he didn’t just give me running shoes, shove me off, and advise me to stop for water along the way. In Hebrews, Paul tells us that God “marked out” our race for us. He’s put signs up along the way and we see those signs when we keep our eyes “fixed” on Jesus (v2).
The race I wanted to run is not the one the God laid out for me. The race I wanted is a two-parent household for my children, an example of loving, Godly marriage for them, and a less-stretched-to-the-seams overall life for us all. But, that isn’t my race in this season of life. I will likely never fully understand that on this side of heaven. But, that’s faith. Faith in a God who sent his Son to “endure(d) the cross, scrounging its shame…” for my sins so that I “will not grow weary and lose heart.” (v3).
Parenting is exhausting for all of us regardless of how many adults there are in the house. That choice of the word “weary” caught my eye in one of these nights of exhaustion, but little sleep. One of the definitions of “weary” is “impatient or dissatisfied with something.” That isn’t just being tired. That’s dissatisfaction and ongoing discontent can lead to us losing heart. Or losing our focus on Christ.
So, I’m running this race with the confidence that God has marked out this crazy, seemingly convoluted path for me (and my people), focused on Christ, so as to not grow dissatisfied and ultimately lose my heart for Christ. I might not always like it. I might call my mom again (tomorrow night) to complain and vent. But, I will do my best to resist, remain focused on Chris, and stay on the route He has marked out for me.
