When my oldest was a baby, I received some a fantastically daunting advice: even in the midst of the day to day – and late nights – of mundaneness that often accompanies parenting, keep focused on the future adult you are raising. Now, I’ll be honest. That advice was well-intended, but fell short in the moment because I’m sure I was up to my eyeballs in diaper changes, a little guy who may not have been sleeping through the night, and I was a deliriously tired new mom.
But, now that he’s grown to be a much more independent kid and we are moving more quickly than I’d like toward the tween years, I think of that ill-timed advice often. The call to stay focused on my end goal – a young man who grows to be an independent, well-adjusted, productive, kind, God-fearing adult – puts the day-to-day decisions and priorities in perspective. Keeping at least part of me reminded of the end goal helps me as I navigate decisions about school work, friendships to cultivate, screen time, meal time, extracurricular activities, and more.
And, as I find time and time again, what is good advice for “regular” parenting is even more important as a single parent. In the midst of the process of divorce, and in the months and years that follow, I have found it even more critical now. When we as parents are making decisions about parenting time, decision making, and more of the things that directly impact our kids day in and day out, all the while figuring out how they will live across two houses (yes, that all sounds terrible to me, too, as I type), it can be easy to get caught up in the awful swirl of emotions that plague divorced families. It can be tempting to get sucked into the frustration, anger, grief, and disillusionment and lose focus on the sweet people swept up in the middle.
Over the years, I have found it very impactful to frequently consider that I’m not just raising children for the next decade or so; I’m laying the foundation for a relationship with my eventual-adult children for, hopefully, the next thirty to forty years. For me, if I keep that context in the forefront, I am more likely to see the daily decisions I am making with a broader view of their lives. That helps me keep perspective and prioritize what ‘s really important. It also helps me to keep them at the center of my decision making and not myself and my own preferences.
Now, I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit that it hurts – like really hurts – my mama heart to consider that they will ever NOT be the ages they are now. But, I’m already seeing how much they have grown since our family changed almost five years ago. They were little littles. And now, we are in the “middle years” of their childhood. In the early days of this season, my attorney gave me excellent advice. As we were navigating conversations around building a parenting plan, she gently reminded me that my children were not always going to be the ages they were in that moment. While that seems really obvious, it struck me as profound in the depths of the hardest, saddest days of my divorce. I think I’d temporarily forgotten the reality that time marches on and kids keep growing up. I’ve never forgotten that comment and it really shaped the way I have tried to raise them through this new reality.
So, as we the adults in these all too adult-scenarios of divorced families are living the day to day of separate households, it is important that we keep the longview in mind for our children. Whether you are in the early days and weeks of this new reality or you are years into this season, keeping the big picture of our children’s lives in mind can help us make sure we are prioritizing what really matters. In those moments of split-second decision making or at the end of long days as we parents process how our parenting day went (I’m not the only one who does that, right?), let’s not forget to take a second to ask ourselves, “What relationship do I want to have with my adult children one day?” and “What kind of man or woman do I want this 10-year old or 8-year old to be one day?” I know it helps me when I keep that viewpoint in mind.
