“What if they stop believing in Santa?”
The counselor did his best to maintain the kind expression of calm understanding, masking what must have been confusion given it was two weeks before Easter and not the time most parents customarily plan for Christmas Eve.
“We have to figure out Christmas so that they keep believing in Santa,” I continued.
I was in the very early months of the collapse of my marriage, and reconciliation was not on the table. A temporary parenting plan was needed and on the advice of attorneys, this experienced co-parenting counselor was now involved in our family’s life. A parenting plan is a starting point for deciding how you will raise children across two households, and one key component is a schedule for holidays and special occasions throughout the year.
As he was attempting to help me understand the big picture of everything before us, I was in the weeds. Deep in the weeds. It was April. And I was focused on Christmas and how to maintain the illusion of Santa across two houses.
The fact this man didn’t roll his eyes at my complete miss of the big picture is a credit to his professionalism. Even I roll my eyes at myself as I remember this session. I was so tightly wound up about Christmas I was missing the proverbial forest for the trees.
Until, that is, the kind expression in front of me calmly stated the obvious. “Jennifer, they are not always going to be six and four.” And he went on to help me understand the much longer term dynamics I needed to sort out in order to support my children as we all navigated life as a divorced family.
The wisdom in his comment came from the simple truth that as parents – single or otherwise – we need to keep a longer view of our children’s lives. Sure, the day to day is important. And it can certainly be all consuming. But, the goal of parenting isn’t managing Monday. Or first grade. Or how long the child believes in Santa. Right?
What Really Matters
That reminder in the midst of the awful weeds of building a parenting plan – coupled with truth from Proverbs – can help us stay focused on what really matters when we are raising children.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
Ultimately, the goal of parenting is to get them to adulthood. And preferably they grow into the kind of adults that people – including you – really enjoy being around. As a follower of Jesus, I also pray I led them in such a way they come to know a personal relationship with Christ.
Training them up certainly involves the day to day expectations we set. But, the longer I parent – and in particular the longer I am engaged in co-parenting – it seems like defining the “way he should go,” is key.
In his book Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets, Andy Stanley profiles five questions to ask ourselves to make better decisions as we walk through day to day life. The ‘legacy question’ is “What story do I want to tell?” when I get through this current season in my life. Andy points out that making decisions in the now, if they are informed by what we want in the future, can help us transform our day to day decisions – both the big and small ones.
“What story do I want to tell at the end of this season of single parenting?” Or maybe better yet, “What story do I want my childrento tell at the end of this part of our family’s story?”
By asking ourselves these legacy-type questions, we get out of the day to day weeds and keep our eyes focused on the ultimate outcomes we want for ourselves and our children. Where do we want to lead them?
Creating Our Vision Statement
We can begin by creating a vision statement for our families that influences the way we choose to parent. And the way we choose to co-parent. This vision statement can be our anchor into the future while we navigate the day to day decisions that seem inconsequential in the moment, but in reality add up to have a significant impact on our lives.
To begin building our vision statement, we can ask ourselves the following:
- When I imagine the future when the kids are in high school, college, or early in their careers, what do I see?
- What does our family feel like?
- What feeling do I want themto have when they think about our family?
- How do I want my kids to describe me as a parent once they themselves become parents?
For me, when I imagine my kids’ futures, I want them to feel comfortable in our family. I want them to have healthy relationships with the people in our family…all of them.
I’ve had a few vision statements since our family experienced the devastation of divorce. In the early days, it was to manage the entire divorce process – and now life after – in a way that honored Christ and pointed my kids to Jesus. I have now added that I want to provide my children the opportunity to have a healthyrelationship with everyonein their family.
With this vision as my filter, decisions about flexibility in co-parenting look different, right? It also helps set some boundaries about how we do – and do not – operate as a divorced family. When I ask myself how Jesus would behave if he was divorced and then add the layer of what will facilitate relationships for my children, the answers look different.
Different may mean decisions that don’t serve my own preferences at times. It may mean that I give up some time with my children and it absolutely means that I bite my tongue…really hard some days.
Every co-parent’s vision will be different. If you’re lucky, you can have a joint vision with your child’s other parent. But, if you aren’t in that sort of relationship with their other parent, that’s ok. With a clear, consistent, child-focused vision in mind, you can choose to co-parent in a way that leads to your vision. Regardless of how someone else may choose to co-parent with you.
By keeping your focus on your children during this season, you can set the course for where you hope to lead them. A vision statement can serve as your litmus test for decisions, and your filter for what you’ll say, and for what you won’t say.
And that vision will be your anchor on the hardest of co-parenting days when you need a pep talk to keep your perspective wide. Because we all need a reminder that the goal of parenting is not just to make it through the day to day…or Christmas morning, right?
In a turn of events that would have shocked me that day in the co-parenting counselor’s office, my children have out-believed most of their peers. The oldest made it to sixth grade before he finally got up the nerve to ask me out right the truth. The youngest? She’s still holding out and playing along. She starts sixth grade in the fall.
Thank goodness for that prompt to stay focused on what really matters when we’re helping kids walk the road of divorce.
