You need your people. We all do. Throughout life. Our friends and family who know us best and cheer us on, tell us when to check ourselves, and hold us accountable to be the person they know we can, and want to, be.
When it comes to the early days, weeks, and months of the divorce process, you need your people like never before. The only difference is that you need your real people – a group that is probably smaller and can be woven together to link arms in a circle of protection around you. That protection takes many forms – absolute confidentiality; logistical support with food, carting kids around, knowing when to show up with wine; maybe a place to stay – but it is, to at least some degree, protection.
Some of this group will form naturally and organically. But, you may be well served to consider for a moment the characteristics of the people who become your “real” people.
They know you. This one seems obvious, but hear me out. This group needs to know you and have been knowing you year in and year out through your marriage. They need to know you and your estranged spouse. They should have been people who have seen firsthand the good, and maybe the bad, in your marriage. They must have perspective of who you are as an individual and who you are/were in marriage. Really knowing you is the first step to how they will help you figure out walking through this wasteland of divorce without losing yourself along the way.
I was, and have been, blessed with my own real people. This group includes immediate family and friends who have known me through several seasons of life. More than half of this small group knew me before and during marriage. They know Jennifer – the individual, the friend, the daughter, the wife, and the mom. They know my heart, my dreams, and the things I hold most dear. And they are in the best position to listen, to counsel, and to provide points of view as I have navigated difficult decisions.
They value marriage. As tempting as it may be, you cannot fill your group with people who never believed in marriage in the first place. As Christians, we are called to value the institution of marriage. To hold it reverently and set it apart as a God-ordained relationship that is sacred. If that was ever your view of marriage, then now more than ever you need people speaking into you who hold that same viewpoint.
You’re not looking to be talked out of the step you are/may be taking. But, you want to have people who can advise you on if you’ve actually hit the line in the sand. Are you just close to it? Has it been crossed? Is there really no other option? The answer to all of those questions may very legitimately be that divorce is your only option. It was for me. But, it was reassuring to me to know that the people who I relied upon in those early days believed in marriage. Most of them were in the midst of rich, rewarding, and real-life marriages. They knew the ups and downs and how bad some days in a great marriage can be. They had perspective because they knew me (see point #1) and they valued the institution that I now realized I needed to leave.
They share your faith. Marriage is sacred to me. It is a gift from God. And even now, I still believe it is an institution worthy of reverence. These beliefs stem directly from my faith as a Christian. And having the same viewpoint in my real people was invaluable. This can help you to check yourself and provide you with support, advice, and wisdom for how you walk this dark path with a Christ-centered worldview.
There are many temptations in the divorce process to take your eyes of of Christ. There are many ways we can seek revenge and justice and characteristically those are not normally Christ-like. In my darkest days, my cry to my people was “this feels so far from Christ, but I feel so compelled to do this horrible thing in as Christ-like of a manner possible.” If they didn’t share my faith, they would not get that nor would they be in a position to hear me out and help me flesh out my next steps.
I have been blessed beyond measure with my real people without whom I never could have survived this season of life. They love me, they love my children, and they care deeply about us as a family. My prayer is that if you find yourself along the pathway of, or toward, divorce that you, too, will have your own small group of people to bless you the same way.
