One thing about divorce (among many things) is that it can be all consuming. In the early months of the process as well as in the years that follow, the reality of single parenting, adjusting to a new normal, and figuring out what the future looks like can be overwhelming. Focusing inward on ourselves is understandable.
But, if you are divorcing or divorced with children, your focus must be primarily on making sure you make decisions and you behave in a way that keeps them as the primary focus. While your marriage has ended, their family has just experienced a massive change. That can be jarring for children and it is important that they feel reassured that things will be ok. Different, but ok.
Early on in my own divorce process, I received some advice (from several sources) that I’ve never forgotten. The degree to which the children believe that you and their other parent hold each other in high regard and communicate effectively is directly correlated to their success navigating the often-problematic teenage years. The words “avoiding teenage delinquency” was actually used by one professional. Yikes. Delinquency is on the line.
So, your job as a parent who is navigating divorce is to keep the focus on your child(ren) and making choices that are best for them. Now, don’t get me wrong. You are a human being who is important as well. Your well being is something you need to be mindful of. But, at the end of the day, there may be some things that you need to do, that frankly you’d rather not do at times, because it is what is ultimately best for the children.
With this issue of respecting your former spouse and at least giving the appearance of communicating well in mind, here are some thoughts on how you go about doing that day in and day out.
Do not bad-mouth or criticize the other parent. For even the most docile parent, this one can be hard. You’re getting a divorce, after all, because you don’t get along for some reason. There is a lot of emotion involved in the early months and those emotions don’t fade easily as time passes. Chances are, there are at least a few areas in the life of your former spouse that you take issue with. But, you cannot go there with your children. In most cases, those children adore that other parent just as much as they adore you. If your children are openly angry at your former spouse for some reason, you can be their listening ear, but you cannot stoke that fire.
All children have the right to believe that both of their parents are absolute rock stars…until parents prove they are actually normal humans figuring it all out as they go. Every kid deserves this and so does every parent. If they lose that right, that’s the parent’s fault. Don’t be that person who spews so much hate and criticism at your children’s parent that you end up driving a wedge into your own relationship with that child.
Children are incredibly defensive of their parents. Someone speaking critically of one of their caregivers is very unsettling for them. You must find ways to resist that temptation – because it is a real one. For me, it is a deep breath or just not saying anything at all. Maybe I change the subject. As my kids are getting older, there are situations where their dad and I have different rules in our houses. When the kids point that out, I remind them that rules are different in all houses and that it is their dad’s job to have the rules for his house just like it is my job to make the rules for our house.
Lastly, be careful who you vent to about the other parent. You need to do some venting. Because, again, you’re divorcing. But, I have worked very hard to have a very limited circle of people I will vent to. My thought on that is a) it keeps me from gossiping and disparaging another human being and b) it helps me make sure that I don’t fall into a habit of criticism. Truthfully, this is probably good advice for all relationships and even that of married parents. But, it is even more tempting in divorced families. So, be intentional about how you handle those times when criticism is tempting.
Set boundaries with your kids about what you will and will not discuss. My children were in early elementary school and preschool when their dad and I began our own divorce journey. Kids those ages have absolutely no filter. They’ll ask anything. And, boy did they. My oldest had the most random questions and they always came at the most unexpected times – hello super hard questions right as we are pulling up to kindergarten carpool.
Thankfully, at that time, I was working with a family therapist out of my church as I processed all that our family was experiencing. She had already prepared me for this and we’d role played fielding those sorts of questions. Even though I was taken aback, I was well prepared to respond (in a somewhat shell-shocked tone, but thankfully we’d literally rehearsed this), “Well, buddy. I can understand why you asked that, but there are some things that are just between mommy and daddy. I’m glad you asked me and let me know what you’re thinking about, but I am not going to talk to you about the adult stuff right now because that is between me and your dad.”
Did that stop his questions? Nope. If you’ve met my kid, you know that nothing stops him. He’s relentless…in the best way possible. But, over time, he clued in that mom was going to talk about some things and not other things. To balance that, I tried to be very open with the kids about other topics. I have always been very upfront about our parenting schedule labeling that on our kitchen calendar where they can see it. If there are any changes to that or any of our other routines, I’ve told them anything I felt that I could. As we have experienced additional divorce follow up to which they had to be exposed, I was as appropriately candid as I thought I could be given their ages.
The thing here is that you don’t need to be sharing with them why you are getting/got divorced, in my opinion. In some cases, kids figure it out. But I just don’t think you want to be the source of that information. I also don’t like the idea of lying to my children (unless it is about Santa…for that, bring on the deception!). By not even attempting to answer certain questions, I keep myself from intentionally or unintentionally misleading them.
Depending on your situation, you may need to get a counselor or trusted friend to help you map out the topics that you are not going to explore with your children. And there are probably some topics in every divorced family situation that need to always be off the table…even when the kids are adults. We aren’t there, yet, so I don’t know that for certain. But, that’s where my gut is right now based upon my observations of friends navigating these waters with children in early adulthood..
Do not engage in competitive parenting. I’d never heard this term until I was months-deep into the divorce process. The concept here is that one parent (or in some really unfortunate cases, both parents) aims to win the kids’ affections and loyalty with all manner of gifts, trips, more lenient rules, and more. This can take many shapes and in all cases, the children are being manipulated. This is unhealthy for children as these decisions are being made in an effort to jockey for affection. In all cases I have observed, at some point it back fires as kids get older and start to pick up on the manipulation.
Check yourself as you make decisions to make sure you’re making them because that is what is best for the children and not because you want to be the preferred parent at that moment in time.
These are just a few of the areas that parents must be mindful of when navigating the family dynamic once divorce changes the landscape of life. There or more, I’m sure, but ultimately the focus must be on what is best for the children in the situation, not just the adults involved.
